Weekly Superstars Review: November 26, 2009

Another victory for His Awesomeness

Results:

* United States Champion The Miz d. Santino Marella by pinfall in a non-title match
- Miz wins with a Skull Crushing Finale.
Quick take: Of course Miz was gonna win!

* Ask the Divas featuring Alicia Fox, Beth Phoenix, Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly, Eve, Melina, and The Bellas.
Quick take: Eeeeeeve! Beth! Melina! Where’s Maria?

* Vladimir Kozlov (with William Regal) d. Goldust by pinfall
- Kozlov wins with an Iron Curtain.
- Regal hits Goldust with a Knee Trembler after the match.
Quick take: Continuity. How often do you see that?

* Raw Rebound: Ventura mixes things up, and Sheamus becomes #1 contender.

* R-Truth d. Dolph Ziggler by pinfall
- Truth wins with a Lie Detector.
Quick take: Psh. Whatever.

Extended thoughts:

Miz v Marella
- Can’t believe this is on.
- Can’t believe I’m watching it live.
- Miz is still pretty awesome. What’s it gonna take to move him into the world title picture?
- I don’t understand Santino’s appeal.
- That “Beth Phoenix is My Dad” sign hurts my feelings.
- “Miz likes to hang around himself.” - Michael Cole. I bet he does.
- I wonder how long Superstars will be around. There can’t be too many people watching. I know no one that does.
- This is boring. I can’t take Santino as a legit threat. Ever.
- Game, set, match. ‘Tis over.

Ask the Divas
- I’m thankful for the Divas.
- Eeeeeeeeve!

Goldust v Kozlov
- Ah, selling the whole “Jackson went off the deep end” thing. Well done. Finally, some continuity.
- Goldust. Sigh. Still a shock to me that he’s gainfully employed.
- Is that Regal shirt available anywhere? I feel like it was at some point.
- Kozlov bores me. Lack of charisma shouldn’t be considered a gimmick.
- A commercial break? Really?
- Like, who cares about this stuff man? Really?
- I am not in the wrestling mood. Gotta be honest.
- Oh well. It’s over.
- No postmatch beatdown?
- Spoke too soon, huh?

Truth v Ziggler
- God, here comes the rapping. This kills me inside.
- Perfection. He has perfected the art of losing.
- Impressive showing at Survivor Series? He was the first man eliminated!
- Now we’re doing “We Will Rock You”? Truth can do it all. I am annoyed.
- Grab those ropes!
- Keep asking “What’s Up.” Doesn’t help you.
- Ziggler stealing the “What’s Up Now?” from me.
- Did he just raise the roof?
- This has been a long hour.
- I like Striker, but admittedly, he tries too hard sometimes.
- Ziggler was thrusting on that submission hold. There’s no way around it.
- I love Ziggler’s big elbow.
- The commentators are berating Ziggler for being too cocky. I wonder why.
- Homestretch time.
- Suplex stunner! I’ll give it up for that one, Truth. Ya got me there.
- X Factor!
- Scissors Kick. Game.
- Oh! Not over.
- Missed the Fame Asser. Sigh.
- The Lie Detector is such a stupid move.

Bottom line: I have to wonder why I should care. I like Dolph and Miz, but I still fail to see the point of Superstars sometimes. ECW, too. Two shows was enough, it really was. 5.25/10

Weekly ECW Review: November 24, 2009

Shelton hits Paydirt in the only real thing worth watching this week

Results:

* Shelton Benjamin d. Zack Ryder (with Rosa Mendes) by pinfall
- Shelton wins with Paydirt.
Quick take: Not a bad match, and certainly the best of the night even if that means nothing. Ryder and Benjamin worked hard, and put on a decent show, but in the end, no one really cared.

* After the match, ECW Champion Christian comes out. Christian says Shelton is the #1 contender for his title, and will get his match at TLC. He challenges Shelton to a ladder match. Shelton accepts.
Quick take: I look forward to them stealing the show.

* The Ruthless Roundtable is backstage. William Regal says he deserves to be champion, and will start by beating Yoshi Tatsu tonight.
Quick take: Way to cut off Bill, production.

* Vance Archer d. Alex Reynolds by pinfall
- Archer wins with a Reverse DDT.
Quick take: Sorry, I can’t hear you over my snoring.

* Raw Rebound and TLC card review
Quick take: Good way to kill 20 minutes, which this did.

* The Abraham Washington Show with special guest Matt Hardy. We plug “Scare Tactics,” and lament that Matt is not Jeff.
Quick take: No, just no. Not even V1 can save this show.

* Yoshi Tatsu d. William Regal (with Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov) by pinfall
- Tatsu wins with a roundhouse kick.
- After the match, Regal yells at Kozlov and Jackson, who attempt to blame one another. Jackson then hits Kozlov with a uranage slam. For good measure, he hits Regal with one, too.
Quick take: And Jackson takes one more step toward becoming Black Kevin Nash.

Extended thoughts:

Ryder v Benjamin
- Missed the first 5 minutes, but missed nothing at all.
- Ohhhhh, radio….
- So, Shelton will be #1 contender? I can dig it.
- Rosa is either hot, or she isn’t. I’m still undecided.
- Heel in control after the commercial break alert!
- Ruff Ryder on the outside! Bam!
- Mix in the Spanish with that English, Rosa. RAWR!
- Superfly Splash!
- Spinning elbow!
- We are having a good time!
- Turnbuckle powerbomb!
- Signature moves! Whee!

Christian
- Nice.
- Christian on a PPV. Defending. Wow.
- This should be pretty good.
- They could very well steal the damn show. Nice.
- What in the blue hell is a chairs match?

Regal
- They cut his ass off. No one cares.

Squash
- God, Lance. No one cares. Like, at all.
- Pfft.
- Is this over yet? NO?
- Sell that clothesline, jobber.

Filler
- Holy shit, that killed 20 minutes.

Washington Show
- This crowd is more dead than Tyler Reks’ push.
- Twilight jokes? Why even bother?
- The Atlas laugh. Will always haunt me.
- OHHHH YEAAAHAHHHH.
- Matt has been de-pushed because of his weight. Just wanted to make that clear.
- He’s not Jeff. Could you tell?
- Heh. Tony laughed when he wasn’t supposed to. Brilliant.
- We’re pimping Scare Tactics? Are you serious?
- Atlas scared Abe! That was actually kinda funny.
- “Drug” and “Meth” are also four letter words. JUST SAYIN’.
- Double taunts!
- VEEEE ONE-AHHHHHH!

Tatsu v Regal
- Why is Yoshi still main eventing ECW?
- Why is this match taking place?
- Why am I watching?
- Why? Why? Why?
- Someone in WWE is aware these two have no chemistry, right?
- I’ll tell you what ground this down. Yoshi. He has no redeeming qualities for me.
- Get ‘im, Kozlov!
- What the hell just happened? Was that it?
- Is Regal done?
- GET ‘IM, BOYS!
- Is this segment over yet?
- Big Zeke as a face? Whaaa?

Bottom line: As I had it put to me, “A Big Bowl of Nothing.” 4.75/10

Weekly Raw Review: November 23, 2009

The next translucent face of Raw?

No extended thoughts for tonight. Wasn’t feelin’ it. Sorry.

Results:

* Guest host Jesse Ventura is introduced, but Randy Orton comes out. Orton says he knows there’s a major announcement concerning the WWE Championship tonight, and wants to make a case for another title match. Out comes Jesse Ventura, working a style similar to what he wore during his wrestling days. He kinda stumps politically. He wants to bring revolution to WWE, and will not give any of the same old guys a shot. There will be a series of qualifying matches tonight, and the only men eligible for the qualifiers can never have been world champions. Winner of a battle royal will be #1 contender. He has some other things to announce. First, WWE Champion John Cena vs CM Punk in a non-title match. We’ve got the Hart Dynasty vs D-Generation X also.
Quick take: Mixing things up, eh? We’ll see. I appreciate the thought behind it.

* Kofi Kingston d. Dolph Ziggler by pinfall in a Breakthrough Qualifying match; Kingston will be in a battle royal later on
- Kof wins with a Trouble in Paradise.
Quick take: Predictable, but definitely the best qualifying match of the night.

* United States Champion The Miz is backstage. What is he thankful for? He’s not thankful for much because he expects greatness. We should be thankful that we get to watch him.
Quick take: I’m thankful. Why wasn’t he included in the qualifying? Or Drew McIntyre for that matter?

* Sheamus d. Finlay by pinfall in a Breakthrough Qualifying match; Sheamus will be in a battle royal later on
- Sheamus wins with a crucifix powerbomb.
- Not satisfied, he beats Finlay up outside the ring after the match, kicking him into the crowd.
Quick take: I wonder if Finlay is retiring soon. Sure feels like it.

* SmackDown GM Teddy Long is backstage. He’s about to tell us what the’s thankful for, but is cut off by Vickie Guerrero. Everyone should be greatful that she once again has some power and control. Long is about to throw some mashed potatoes on her, but is stopped by Eric Escobar.
Quick take: Gross.

* We plug Jesse Ventura’s upcoming new series, “Conspiracy Theories.”

* Ventura is backstage, and is met by Orton. Orton wants to be in the battle royal, and says the WWE has conspired against him being champion. Ventura agrees, but says he can’t break his own rules. He tells Orton to keep retiring old guys, and sends him on his way.
Quick take: Could never shake the feeling Orton was going to get a title shot. Still can’t.

* WWE Champion John Cena d. CM Punk by pinfall in a non-title match
- Before the match, Punk grabs a mic, and tells us what he’s thankful for. He’s thankful that he’s straightedge, which makes him better than us. He then picks on gluttons because everyone overeats at Thanksgiving. Through his sober eyes, he can see John Cena.
- Punk counters an Attitude Adjustment, and goes for the GTS. Cena counters the GTS into an STF, but Punk makes it to the rope. Cena eventually wins with an Attitude Adjustment off the second rope.
Quick take: YES! YES! Punk looked like he belonged in the ring with Cena! This is how he should have been booked all along! Well done, WWE.

* Mr. McMahon and Ventura are backstage. McMahon doesn’t want to face Ventura in the ring, but that’s not what Ventura wants. No, Ventura wants to announce a match with McMahon.
Quick take: Love it.

* MVP, Mark Henry, and R-Truth d. Jack Swagger, Chris Masters, and Chavo Guerrero by pinfall in a Breakthrough Qualifying match; MVP, Truth, and Henry will be in a battle royal later
- Truth pins Masters after a Lie Detector.
Quick take: Frownies from me. That trio does nothing for me.

* DX is backstage. Triple H looks annoyed with Shawn Michaels. Shawn says it was for title, and did what he had to do. Hunter concedes he would have done the same thing. A little person delivers papers to them that inform them that Hornswoggle is suing them.
Quick take: Hoo boy.

* Evan Bourne vs Primo in a Breakthrough Qualifying match never happens
- Before the match, Orton comes out and beats up Primo. He storms to the ring, and declares he has taken Primo’s spot in the match. Ventura appears on the tron, and berates Orton. Rules are made to be broken, though, and is prepared to break his own rules. If Orton can beat Bourne, he will be in the battle royal.

* Randy Orton d. Evan Bourne by pinfall in a Breakthrough Qualifying match; will be in a battle royal later on
- Orton wins with an RKO.
Quick take: -__-

* Native Americans (Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, and Melina) d. Pilgrims (Michelle McCool, Layla, and Jillian) vs in a Thanksgiving Diva match that had a really stupid name
- Special guest timekeeper: Gobbledy Gooker
- Layla and Michelle walk out on the match, leaving Jillian to get pinned by Melina.
- After the match, Maryse reveals herself to have been in the Gobbledy Gooker costume.
Quick take: Maryse is back! Hot damn!

* D-Generation X d. The Hart Dynasty (with Natalya) by pinfall
- Triple H pins Kidd after a Pedigree.
Quick take: I can’t believe I was stupid enough to buy a Hart Dynasty shirt. Long live the Job Dynasty.

* After the match, Unified WWE Tag Team Champion Chris Jericho comes out. He announces that DX will face JeriShow for the Unified WWE Tag Team titles at TLC. It will be in a TLC match.
Quick take: Oughta be good. Except for the fact that I can’t picture Show climbing a ladder.

* Batista makes his way to the ring, to Rey Mysterio’s entrance music. He says he gave Rey the chance to walk away last night, but Rey didn’t, so he had to embarrass him. He’s here to put everyone on notice, he intends to become #1 contender for the World Heavyweight Championship. Out comes Kane. Kane dares Batista to hit him. Batista just walks off.
Quick take: We’re supposed to take Kane seriously now? Really?

* Legacy d. Cryme Tyme by pinfall in a Breakthrough Qualifying match; Rhodes and DiBiase will be in a battle royal later on
- DiBiase pins Shad after Dream Street.
Quick take: Whatever.

* Gail Kim and Alicia Fox are backstage. A food fight is about to start, but Santino Marella stops them. He then makes a sexist comment, and they both pie him instead. The Bellas come up, and he messes up with them, too. More pies in the face. Eve comes up, and he screws up once more. Yet another pie in the face. Vickie comes up, and Santino gets her with a pie.
Quick take: Eeeeeeeeeve!

* Sheamus wins the Breakthrough Battle Royal to become #1 contender for the WWE Championship
- Jesse Ventura and Vince McMahon were the commentators for the match.
- Participants: Kofi Kingston, Sheamus, MVP, Mark Henry, R-Truth, Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, and Ted DiBiase
- Order of elimination: R-Truth (by Sheamus), MVP (by Sheamus), Legacy (by Mark Henry), Mark Henry (by Sheamus), Randy Orton (by Kofi Kingston), Kofi Kingston (by Sheamus)
Quick take: Was sort of shocked by Sheamus winning. I hope it’s not too much, too soon, and that he doesn’t plummet down the card if he loses. I expect good things from him, though. McMahon and Ventura couldn’t recapture the magic. I’ll leave it at that. It was obvious to me that Vince didn’t want to do it.

* A contract signing between Sheamus and John Cena is officiated by Jesse Ventura. Cena tries to intimidate Sheamus by saying he’s seen it all in WWE. He tells Sheamus he better be prepared to make a statement. Sheamus says all he’s done will be nothing in comparison to what he’ll do to Cena. Sheamus signs, and Cena does soon after. Ventura says there’s a conspiracy in WWE to keep Cena champion. Cena turns to face Ventura, and that gives Sheamus the opening he needs to begin beating Cena up. He slams Cena through the table. Ventura announces the match will be a Tables match.
Quick take: An unwritten rule is that all contract signings end with someone going through the table, or having it flipped onto them. Good luck, Sheamus.

Bottom line: 7.25/10. Not nearly as painful a 3 hours as I anticipated. We’re trying new things, and if they fail? So what? The important thing is you’re trying. As a fan who’s impossible to please, I must say I at least appreciate the notion that they’re trying to listen, and change. That’s all you can really ask for.

Pay-Per-View Review: Survivor Series

Punk eliminating Truth was the highlight of my night.

This will just be a quick overview with some live notes from my experience thrown in. It was a good show, but I don’t feel like watching it again to get extended thoughts or anything like that.

Results:

* Team Miz d. Team John Morrison; Survivors: The Miz, Sheamus, Drew McIntyre
Notes: The Miz had some serious heat, which is good to hear. He’s got a chance, after all. Crowd loved Morrison’s team, and were legitimately mad they lost. I liked about everyone in that match except for Finlay and Drew.

* Batista d. Rey Mysterio by ref stoppage
Notes: Awesome stuff. Crowd seemed about 75-80% behind Batista, which was shocking. I ate that shit up. I hate Rey. Some dude in front of me was absolutely losing it over what Batista did. “Batista’s a punk! Show Rey some goddamn respect!” If I’m a mark like that when I’m 50+, you have to promise to kill me. When everyone was chanting, “One more time!” at Batista, I was chanting, “Five more times!” I wanted Batista to kill him. And I hated Batista not even 6 weeks ago. Goes to show I’m as much of a mark, but I go the other way and love my heels.

* Team Kofi Kingston d. Team Randy Orton; Sole Survivor: Kofi Kingston
Notes: I hate R-Truth. I hate him so much. I fully expected him to eliminate punk in about 10 seconds. When the script flipped and Punk took his ass out, I fucking lost it. I marked, what can I say? Standing up, and yelling at the top of my lungs, “WHAT’S UP NOW? HUH? HUH?” as kids shot me glares was awesome. Tremendous stuff. Crowd loved Kofi. A lot. Good for him. Guess he’s next.

* The Undertaker d. Chris Jericho and Big Show in a triple threat match to retain the World Heavyweight Championship
Notes: Second to Truth getting his ass beat, booing Taker was my favorite part of the night. Everyone except me at these things unabashedly loves that idiot, so I love booing him so much. I knew he’d win, but it was still disappointing. Seeing Big Show shadow boxing in person was high comedy. Grabbed a picture of it.

* Team Mickie James d. Team Michelle McCool; Survivors: Mickie James and Melina
Notes: Kill the Diva division. No one cares. Even I felt bad for wanting to watch. Horrendous. Got a good picture of Mickie’s butt, though.

* John Cena d. Shawn Michaels and Triple H in a triple threat match to retain the WWE Championship
Notes: Funny thing that I don’t know made it on camera was when DX was throwing their glowsticks out into the crowd. On Triple H’s last toss, he hit the lighting rig above the ring, and it bounced back toward him. He shushed the front row as if to say “You saw nothing.” Pretty funny. Crowd LOVED it when HBK superkicked Hunter to open the match. We went apeshit. Cena winning disappointed many, but none of the kids, and that’s what counts.

Bottom line: 7.5/10. Not bad. Would have liked to see a title change, but what can you do?

Bonus note: Dark match - Santino Marella d. Chavo Guerrero by pinfall. Pfft.