My brother just gave me a consoling pat on the back

I appreciate him for being here to ease my pain in this dark time.

Weekly Raw Review: March 22, 2010

* Shawn Michaels makes his way to the ring. He’s got a feeling, the same feeling he had back in 1992, right before he turned on Marty Jannetty. The same one before he beat Bret Hart for the WWE Championship, and last week when he gave some Sweet Chin Music to The Undertaker. It is the feeling that he can do absolutely anything. With the new DVD, he says many feel that his journey is coming to the end, but he’s about to give us a whole new set of memories. This is only the beginning. After WrestleMania, he will no longer be known by his old nicknames, instead he’ll be known as the one and only man who ended The Undertaker’s WrestleMania streak. The lights go out. We see a Shawn Michaels career video package. It turns into Taker beating him last year, and Taker saying HBK’s career will rest in peace. Michaels says if Taker wants to intimidate him, he needs to come out and do it to his face. Out comes tonight’s guest host, Pete Rose. Rose says HBK is the right man to end the streak, and wishes him luck. As guest host, he wants HBK to compete tonight against Kane with the same stipulations as WrestleMania. He wants HBK to get revenge for all the things Kane has done to Rose in the past at Mania.
Quick take: I will forever be a Shawn Michaels fan. Sure, this wasn’t his best work in terms of a promo, but it didn’t matter. He could have gone out and farted into the mic, and I would have been seriously ready for the Mania match. I don’t want him to leave, but I feel like it’s happening. Pete Rose SUCKS.

* A Cena vs Batista feud package, SummerSlam 2008

* John Morrison (with R-Truth) d. Unified WWE Tag Team Champion and United States Champion The Miz (with Unified WWE Tag Team Champion Big Show) by pinfall in a non-title match
- Show and Truth joined Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler on commentary.
- Morrison wins with Starship Pain.
Quick take: Miz v Morrison. Honestly, I wouldn’t have minded if this was the Mania match, for the US title or something. I don’t need to see Truth or Show all that much, but I get why that’s the match they went for. We got way more of a match than I was expecting. Not the best showcase these two have had, but a pretty damn good one. I have a feeling this will end up being the dark match Sunday. Something’s gotta get shafted. Morrison wins cleanly here, I say Miz Show retains Sunday.

* Triple H is backstage, gearing up. In walks Randy Orton. Triple H says that common enemies does not make their past go away. He’s prepared to drop Orton where he stands. Orton reminds Hunter that he still has to make it to WrestleMania.
Quick take: Well, they didn’t gloss over the history, I guess. Better than nothing.

* A Cena vs Batista feud package, Elimination Chamber 2010

* Kofi Kingston d. Vladimir Kozlov by pinfall to qualify for Money in the Bank at WrestleMania 26
- Jack Swagger sat in on commentary.
- Kofi beats Kozlov with Trouble in Paradise.
Quick take: I felt like Kofi was a sure thing to qualify. Besides, Kofi pretty much stole the show in the match last year, and has gotten a hot and cold push for months now. If anything, he deserved it. Good for him. I look forward to seeing him.

* Stu Hart and Bob Uecker are revealed as inductees into the WWE Hall of Fame

* Legacy and Sheamus d. Randy Orton and Triple H by pinfall in a handicap match
- Before the match, Cody Rhodes says that it’s every man for himself this Sunday. Before we get to that, though, he laments that they had to put up with Orton for 18 months, but now they’re free. Everyone credits Orton for shaping them, but they would have been stars anyway. Ted DiBiase says they don’t care who wins Sunday just as long as Randy loses. They will expose his arrogance. Cody says they’re the true future of the business, not Orton. No one likes or respects them, but by this time next week, we will.
- Sheamus pins Orton after a bicycle kick.
- After the match, Sheamus tries to kick Triple H, but misses. Triple H clears him out of the ring.
Quick take: Again, I am surprised that all these guys that are in Mania are working a match this close to the big show. The norm used to be that they had the night pretty much off if memory serves. Guess neither of these matches are going to be anything special. Not that I expected them to be. How long will it take to get used to the Orton pop? I’m really not sure. This is unbelievable. He was such a monster, evil heel just one year ago. It’s uncanny. I was legitimately not expecting the finish we got. So sudden. Hunter standing tall at the end here. Hmm.

* Cena vs Batista feud package, the night after Elimination Chamber 2010

* Bret Hart makes his way to the ring. He never believed he’d get another chance to go to WrestleMania, and is glad he has the opportunity. He’s had a bad taste in his mouth for years since he left WWE, but now he has a chance to leave on a high note. Starting next week, all we’ll hear will be “Bret beat Vince.” All the Harts will be in Phoenix to induct Stu into the Hall of Fame, and says Vince better stay hidden until his match. Vince has managed to drive half of his family out, but all the Harts will be around to see his match. He reflects on his great Mania moments in years past. He promises 26 will be the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Out comes Vince McMahon. He says that this Sunday, one way or another, Bret is screwed.
Quick take: Honestly, Vince’s little bit at the end was pretty good for some reason. Funny how that works. As for the rest of it, I have to wonder what will happen Sunday. Can Bret still go?

* Backstage, HBK is on his way to the ring. Rose stops him, and wishes him luck.
Quick take: Is that all Pete’s gonna do? The less, the better I suppose.

* Shawn Michaels d. Kane by pinfall
- HBK is tuning up Sweet Chin Music when the lights go out. When they come back on, Kane is gone, and Taker is in the ring. Taker gives Michaels a Chokeslam. The lights go out again, and now Kane is back. HBK kicks out, and the match continues. HBK reverses a Tombstone attempt with Sweet Chin Music to win the match.
Quick take: I am absolutely shocked that Shawn is working a match this close to Mania. One would assume he would need all the gas in his tank heading into Mania. I doubt he and Taker will go any less than half an hour. If HBK is going out, you can bet he’s going to do all he can to make sure he goes out in the greatest match of all time. That ending was suprising, yet not surprising. Didn’t think HBK was losing even though they made it look like he might. Probably HBK’s last Raw match for a long time, if not ever. Sigh.

* Cena vs Batista feud package, 2 weeks ago

* Rose is backstage with Christian. Christian congratulates Rose on getting the upper hand on Kane. Kane is in Rose’s office, and the door closes.
Quick take: Good use of Christian. Really. “Don’t bet on it.” I see what you did there.

* Divas Champion Maryse, Women’s Champion Michelle McCool, and Layla (with Alicia Fox and Vickie Guerrero) d. Beth Phoenix, Eve, and Gail Kim (with Kelly Kelly and Mickie James) by pinfall
- Michelle pins Gail after a Faithbreaker.
Quick take: I think this would have been the Mania match. We’re getting it here instead, it appears. Thank God. I love the Divas, but there is absolutely no room for them this year at all. Holy shit. That was 45 seconds long, and only Gail and Michelle wrestled. What the fuck was that? WHAT IS THE POINT OF THAT? WHY MAKE IT A 6 DIVA TAG IF YOU’RE ONLY GOING TO USE TWO? STOP THE INSANITY.

* Cena vs Batista feud package, last week

* WWE Champion Batista makes his way to the ring, flanked by security. He says he welcomes the boos, and we’re all going to have to get used to the sight of him with the championship belt. John Cena can’t, won’t, and will never beat him. When Cena and Batista are in the ring together, bad things happen to Cena. Nothing will change on Sunday. The fans mean nothing to him, and everything to Cena. That will be Cena’s downfall. He appreciates our money, though. Cena will disappoint everyone again come Sunday. He then calls Cena out. Cena makes his way to the ring. Cena says he let everyone down when Batista beat him for the title, and he has now lost confidence in himself because he keeps failing to stop Batista every step of the way. He’s not sure if he can ever stop it. He’s been in bad spots before, but he’s always given people the chance to believe. It’s because he always believed in himself. Batista says Cena is now a common loser just like everyone else in the crowd. Cena agrees. He is just like the fans, sick and tired of Batista’s garbage. He says Batista’s not good at his job, and believes in his own hype. If Batista was good at what he did, he wouldn’t need security. Cena doesn’t see an animal, he sees Dave Batista, and Dave Batista can be beaten. In fact, he will be beaten. This Sunday at WrestleMania, Cena will take back the WWE Championship. If Batista isn’t going to make a move, Cena’s done talking. Batista says Cena’s got nothing, and steps in front of his security. The two begin to brawl. Security and officials try to break it up. Cena breaks free, but Batista has already walked off, and to the back.
Quick take: Classic shit right there. I love the lame brawls that are broken up by security. That’s the lifeline of professional wrestling. It may not be the main event everyone wants to see, but it’s our main event dammit. Let’s do this.

So, this happened. There you go. Almost there now. Can you taste it yet?

Bottom line: 7/10

Cliff’s Weekly Raw Review: March 9, 2010

* The Undertaker makes his way to the ring. Taker addresses Shawn Michaels, saying his life now has a dark cloud that hovers above him. HBK’s obsession will cause him to pay the ultimate price, his career. There will be no tomorrow for HBK after Mania. In 3 weeks, HBK’s career will rest…in…cue HBK. HBK declares that the cloud is gone because he had an epiphany. He believes that Taker is afraid of him. If Taker thinks he’d risk everything if he didn’t know he could beat him, he has another thing coming. Nobody leads a perfect life, and nothing lasts forever. Taker thinks HBK is full of pitiful desperation, and not confidence. HBK proposes a no countout, no disqualfication match for WrestleMania. Taker accepts. He can see the passion, fire, and will in Shawn’s eyes. In his soul, he can see that Shawn honestly believes he can win. In his opinion, Michaels may be the best to ever step foot in the ring, but on March 28 he will unleash a fury unlike any other to make sure that HBK’s career is over. HBK says that, after Mania, the dark cloud will be hanging over The Undertaker.
Quick take: You can see why Taker has a character that never cuts promos. Not much of a talker. That said, I still thought this segment had about all you could want from these two. If you’re not looking forward this match now, I don’t know what to tell you to be honest. Damn.

* Eve, Kelly Kelly, and Gail Kim d. Divas Champion Maryse, Alicia Fox, and Katie Lea by submission
- Eve gets Maryse to submit to a flying armbar.
Quick take: Divas actually wrestling. A novel concept on Raw these days. This also means no special photo set, which, you know, boo. Aside from all six girls looking pretty damn hot, I didn’t care for this match. Oh well. I guess we’re pushing Eve now. Good for her? On a side note, why bother making it 6-man tag? Kelly and Katie didn’t do jack shit. Just make it a tag match. No need to bring out all six if you’re not gonna use them, and this comes from a guy who will watch them in any capacity.

* Guest host Criss Angel is backstage with Hornswoggle. He pimps his tour or show or something. The Bellas come up, and offer to be his guest assistants. He doesn’t use twins, but they settle for a demonstration. He puts a thread in his mouth, and then pulls it out of his eye. In comes Jillian. She also wants to be his assistant. She starts to sings Aerosmith’s “Angel,” but he pulls some mindfreak shit, and takes away her voice.
Quick take: Okay. I have no idea how to feel about what I just saw aside from Jillian, Nikki, and Brie looked terrific, and any trick involving the eyes freaks me the hell out. Gross, dude.

* John Morrison and R-Truth vs Unified WWE Tag Team Champions ShoMiz in a non-title match ends in a no contest
- Before the match, Miz tells us that John Morrison and R-Truth earned a tag team title match at WrestleMania. They’re insulted because Morrison and Truth aren’t actually a team. They are the last truly great team in WWE.
- The referee throws the match out after he fails to get control of the proceedings. Morrison and Truth take out Miz and Show with some double team moves outside of the ring.
- After the match, Morrison and Truth proclaim that they are indeed a real team.
Quick take: Why give a Mania match away for free so close to the show? I know this was non-title, but come on. Do singles matchups or something. Then, I realized I shouldn’t have gotten annoyed because there was no way we’d get a real match. Actually, that’s even worse. I hate swerves that were unnecessary from the get go. Whatever.

* John Cena vs Batista video package

* Josh Mathews is backstage with Cena. Cena says he was rendered speechless because Batista was right. He hasn’t beat him at any point in his career. All he can do is go out there and beat him. Mathews asks if Cena expects Batista to get involved in his match tonight. Cena says he expects it.

* Evan Bourne is backstage with Angel. He is looking forward to his Money in the Bank qualifying match. Skip Sheffield and William Regal come in. Skip wants to see another trick. Regal calls him stupid. Angel offers to do one on Regal. Angel correctly guesses the number Regal was thinking of.
Quick take: I love Regal, but Bourne better win.

* Legacy d. Randy Orton by pinfall in a handicap match
- Orton runs in during Legacy’s entrance, taking out Cody and Ted from behind.
- DiBiase pins Orton after Dream Street.
- After the match, Rhodes gives Orton a Crossrhodes, and both strike his signature pose.
Quick take: Orton getting the upper hand right out of the gate was excellent. I have no idea where this character is really going, and I like that. Everyone’s kinda going with the flow, which never really happens anymore. I was surprised we got a match of this length. I really have to wonder what the Mania plans are here. I’m so glad that this breakup has been this interesting. They could have let it fizzle, but they didn’t. A rarity. I liked the ending. A clean win, but it was more of the numbers game catching up to Orton. Them doing the pose was pretty awesome, too.

* WWE Champion Batista is backstage. Mathews comes up, and asks him what he thinks of Cena counting on him to get invovled in his match. He believes Cena is just paranoid, and says he will not get involved in the match.
Quick take: Too many lies? Too many lies?

* Triple H makes his way to the ring. He says he kinda respects what Sheamus did last week. If the tables had been turned, he probably would have done the same thing. Out comes Sheamus. Sheamus says he hasn’t even made his statement yet, and challenges him to a match at WrestleMania. Triple H says Sheamus has probably had the greatest first ywear in WWE history. All the accomplishments mean nothing until he makes a name for himself at WrestleMania. He made the same mistake when he challenged Ultimate Warrior, and had to work his way out of the hole he dug for himself. He is now the guy, the guy that people need to go through to make a name for themselves. The problem is, he’s turned back a whole lot of challengers. He says Sheamus has one shot at this. He can be something, or become nothing, and asks if Sheamus is sure. Sheamus takes a swing, and they begin to brawl. Hunter dumps Sheamus out of the ring, but Sheamus pulls him out. He miss the bicycle kick, and Triple H sends them both over the barricade. Sheamus tries to flee, but Triple H catches up, and they continue to fight. They get back in the ring, and Hunter wins the exchange with a spinebuster.
Quick take: I like the angle they took with this. It’s true. Hunter went up against Warrior and got buried much like he’s famous for doing these days. You gotta love Hunter at Mania, and not in a title match. Never happens. This is a good opportunity for Sheamus, and this seems like the first time in awhile where WWE appears ready to seriously push a new guy. Last time that felt like this was Punk, but even that was a little more gradual than this.

* Santino Marella is backstage with Angel. Santino performs a trick, but Angel is unimpressed. Now it’s Angel’s turn. Four empty cups and a sushi knife. He asks Santino to hide the knife under a cup. Angel smashes the three empty cups.
Quick take: Would have been cooler if he stabbed himself in the hand with the knife and acted like it didn’t hurt. MINDFREAK!

* William Regal (with Skip Sheffield) vs Evan Bourne by to qualify for Money in the Bank at WrestleMania 26
- Christian (with Heath Slater) sat in on commentary.
- Bourne wins with Air Bourne.
Quick take: I’m a Regal mark, but I was pulling for Evan. Glad he won. He should do some pretty crazy stuff in MITB. I can’t wait.

* Steve Austin will host Raw next week.
Quick take: Gimme a hell yeah!

* A recap of Bret Hart and Vince McMahon from last week airs

* Next week on Raw, it will be a WrestleMania rewind night. We will see Cena v Show, HBK v Chris Jericho, and Orton v Triple H.

* Justin Roberts introduces the guest host and guest ring announcer for the upcoming match, Criss Angel.

* John Cena vs Vince McMahon turns into a gauntlet match
- Before the match, McMahon addresses Bret Hart. He says the reality of the match tonight is that he’ll defeat Cena. This is no ordinary match. In fact, it’s a handicap gauntlet match.

* John Cena loses a handicap gauntlet match
- Cena’s opponents are Vladimir Kozlov, Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry, and Batista. 
- McMahon adds the stipulation that it’s also no disqualification. Henry refuses to participate. Batista gives him a Spear. Out comes Kofi Kingston. He gets a Batista Bomb.
- McMahon pins Cena after a Batista Bomb.
Quick take: What was the point of that? Making everyone but Batista look bad? Fucking waste.

Mania looks good even if the shows leading up to it have been relatively flat.

Bottom line: 6/10

Weekly Raw Review: November 23, 2009

The next translucent face of Raw?

No extended thoughts for tonight. Wasn’t feelin’ it. Sorry.

Results:

* Guest host Jesse Ventura is introduced, but Randy Orton comes out. Orton says he knows there’s a major announcement concerning the WWE Championship tonight, and wants to make a case for another title match. Out comes Jesse Ventura, working a style similar to what he wore during his wrestling days. He kinda stumps politically. He wants to bring revolution to WWE, and will not give any of the same old guys a shot. There will be a series of qualifying matches tonight, and the only men eligible for the qualifiers can never have been world champions. Winner of a battle royal will be #1 contender. He has some other things to announce. First, WWE Champion John Cena vs CM Punk in a non-title match. We’ve got the Hart Dynasty vs D-Generation X also.
Quick take: Mixing things up, eh? We’ll see. I appreciate the thought behind it.

* Kofi Kingston d. Dolph Ziggler by pinfall in a Breakthrough Qualifying match; Kingston will be in a battle royal later on
- Kof wins with a Trouble in Paradise.
Quick take: Predictable, but definitely the best qualifying match of the night.

* United States Champion The Miz is backstage. What is he thankful for? He’s not thankful for much because he expects greatness. We should be thankful that we get to watch him.
Quick take: I’m thankful. Why wasn’t he included in the qualifying? Or Drew McIntyre for that matter?

* Sheamus d. Finlay by pinfall in a Breakthrough Qualifying match; Sheamus will be in a battle royal later on
- Sheamus wins with a crucifix powerbomb.
- Not satisfied, he beats Finlay up outside the ring after the match, kicking him into the crowd.
Quick take: I wonder if Finlay is retiring soon. Sure feels like it.

* SmackDown GM Teddy Long is backstage. He’s about to tell us what the’s thankful for, but is cut off by Vickie Guerrero. Everyone should be greatful that she once again has some power and control. Long is about to throw some mashed potatoes on her, but is stopped by Eric Escobar.
Quick take: Gross.

* We plug Jesse Ventura’s upcoming new series, “Conspiracy Theories.”

* Ventura is backstage, and is met by Orton. Orton wants to be in the battle royal, and says the WWE has conspired against him being champion. Ventura agrees, but says he can’t break his own rules. He tells Orton to keep retiring old guys, and sends him on his way.
Quick take: Could never shake the feeling Orton was going to get a title shot. Still can’t.

* WWE Champion John Cena d. CM Punk by pinfall in a non-title match
- Before the match, Punk grabs a mic, and tells us what he’s thankful for. He’s thankful that he’s straightedge, which makes him better than us. He then picks on gluttons because everyone overeats at Thanksgiving. Through his sober eyes, he can see John Cena.
- Punk counters an Attitude Adjustment, and goes for the GTS. Cena counters the GTS into an STF, but Punk makes it to the rope. Cena eventually wins with an Attitude Adjustment off the second rope.
Quick take: YES! YES! Punk looked like he belonged in the ring with Cena! This is how he should have been booked all along! Well done, WWE.

* Mr. McMahon and Ventura are backstage. McMahon doesn’t want to face Ventura in the ring, but that’s not what Ventura wants. No, Ventura wants to announce a match with McMahon.
Quick take: Love it.

* MVP, Mark Henry, and R-Truth d. Jack Swagger, Chris Masters, and Chavo Guerrero by pinfall in a Breakthrough Qualifying match; MVP, Truth, and Henry will be in a battle royal later
- Truth pins Masters after a Lie Detector.
Quick take: Frownies from me. That trio does nothing for me.

* DX is backstage. Triple H looks annoyed with Shawn Michaels. Shawn says it was for title, and did what he had to do. Hunter concedes he would have done the same thing. A little person delivers papers to them that inform them that Hornswoggle is suing them.
Quick take: Hoo boy.

* Evan Bourne vs Primo in a Breakthrough Qualifying match never happens
- Before the match, Orton comes out and beats up Primo. He storms to the ring, and declares he has taken Primo’s spot in the match. Ventura appears on the tron, and berates Orton. Rules are made to be broken, though, and is prepared to break his own rules. If Orton can beat Bourne, he will be in the battle royal.

* Randy Orton d. Evan Bourne by pinfall in a Breakthrough Qualifying match; will be in a battle royal later on
- Orton wins with an RKO.
Quick take: -__-

* Native Americans (Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, and Melina) d. Pilgrims (Michelle McCool, Layla, and Jillian) vs in a Thanksgiving Diva match that had a really stupid name
- Special guest timekeeper: Gobbledy Gooker
- Layla and Michelle walk out on the match, leaving Jillian to get pinned by Melina.
- After the match, Maryse reveals herself to have been in the Gobbledy Gooker costume.
Quick take: Maryse is back! Hot damn!

* D-Generation X d. The Hart Dynasty (with Natalya) by pinfall
- Triple H pins Kidd after a Pedigree.
Quick take: I can’t believe I was stupid enough to buy a Hart Dynasty shirt. Long live the Job Dynasty.

* After the match, Unified WWE Tag Team Champion Chris Jericho comes out. He announces that DX will face JeriShow for the Unified WWE Tag Team titles at TLC. It will be in a TLC match.
Quick take: Oughta be good. Except for the fact that I can’t picture Show climbing a ladder.

* Batista makes his way to the ring, to Rey Mysterio’s entrance music. He says he gave Rey the chance to walk away last night, but Rey didn’t, so he had to embarrass him. He’s here to put everyone on notice, he intends to become #1 contender for the World Heavyweight Championship. Out comes Kane. Kane dares Batista to hit him. Batista just walks off.
Quick take: We’re supposed to take Kane seriously now? Really?

* Legacy d. Cryme Tyme by pinfall in a Breakthrough Qualifying match; Rhodes and DiBiase will be in a battle royal later on
- DiBiase pins Shad after Dream Street.
Quick take: Whatever.

* Gail Kim and Alicia Fox are backstage. A food fight is about to start, but Santino Marella stops them. He then makes a sexist comment, and they both pie him instead. The Bellas come up, and he messes up with them, too. More pies in the face. Eve comes up, and he screws up once more. Yet another pie in the face. Vickie comes up, and Santino gets her with a pie.
Quick take: Eeeeeeeeeve!

* Sheamus wins the Breakthrough Battle Royal to become #1 contender for the WWE Championship
- Jesse Ventura and Vince McMahon were the commentators for the match.
- Participants: Kofi Kingston, Sheamus, MVP, Mark Henry, R-Truth, Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, and Ted DiBiase
- Order of elimination: R-Truth (by Sheamus), MVP (by Sheamus), Legacy (by Mark Henry), Mark Henry (by Sheamus), Randy Orton (by Kofi Kingston), Kofi Kingston (by Sheamus)
Quick take: Was sort of shocked by Sheamus winning. I hope it’s not too much, too soon, and that he doesn’t plummet down the card if he loses. I expect good things from him, though. McMahon and Ventura couldn’t recapture the magic. I’ll leave it at that. It was obvious to me that Vince didn’t want to do it.

* A contract signing between Sheamus and John Cena is officiated by Jesse Ventura. Cena tries to intimidate Sheamus by saying he’s seen it all in WWE. He tells Sheamus he better be prepared to make a statement. Sheamus says all he’s done will be nothing in comparison to what he’ll do to Cena. Sheamus signs, and Cena does soon after. Ventura says there’s a conspiracy in WWE to keep Cena champion. Cena turns to face Ventura, and that gives Sheamus the opening he needs to begin beating Cena up. He slams Cena through the table. Ventura announces the match will be a Tables match.
Quick take: An unwritten rule is that all contract signings end with someone going through the table, or having it flipped onto them. Good luck, Sheamus.

Bottom line: 7.25/10. Not nearly as painful a 3 hours as I anticipated. We’re trying new things, and if they fail? So what? The important thing is you’re trying. As a fan who’s impossible to please, I must say I at least appreciate the notion that they’re trying to listen, and change. That’s all you can really ask for.

Raw .gifs (9 total)

Skullcrushing Finale

Slow mo!

Sheamus goes postal

Yay, Lawler down

Evan could sell a sneeze

BLAM!

BOOM! BOOM!

Attitude Adjustment

Tombstone on Cena

Weekly Raw Review: November 16, 2009

TOTALLY NOT GAY

Results:

* Luis Guzman is backstage with tonight’s guest host, Roddy Piper. Iron Sheik comes in, and they’re all talking. Sheik keeps yelling.
Quick take: Uh…right…

* The Miz d. MVP by pinfall to retain the United States Championship
- Miz wins with a Skull Crushing Finale.
Quick take: Like nearly every match tonight, a bit short, but still well done for the most part.

* Santino Marella d. Chavo Guerrero by pinfall
- Hornswoggle comes out, distracts Chavo, and Santino rolls him up for the win.
Quick take: Hating Hornswoggle. Hating all of New York’s teams.

* After the match, DX comes out. They’re in Madison Square Garden, and DX is in the house. They shill. At Survivor Series, they will make sure the WWE Championship will come to DX. No one and nothing can tear DX apart. They turn their attention to Hornswoggle. They will consider letting him be a member of DX. Triple H pedigrees Hornswoggle after the “Let’s get ready…” chant.
Quick take: Pedigree on the little dude! Ringside approved.

* A video package promoting the history of MSG and WWE airs.
Quick take: How can you not get chills? Even if it is Jay-Z.

* Backstage with Roddy Piper. Up comes Chris Jericho. Jericho wants Piper to show him some respect, and Piper blows his nose. He brings up Chris Masters, who pec dances to the Black Eyed Peas.
Quick take: HATE PEAS. HAAAAATE PEEEAAAAAS.

* Justin Roberts introduces the guest ring announcer for the match, Judah Friedlander.

* Melina d. Alicia Fox by pinfall in a Lumberjill match to retain the Divas Championship
- Melina wins with the Last Call.
- After the match, all the Lumberjills get in the match, and brawl.
Quick take: Short, but Melina-tacular.

* Justin Roberts introduces tonight’s guest host, Rowdy Roddy Piper. He goes over his history in the building of Madison Square Garden. He says he wants one more match with Vince McMahon. Out comes Vince McMahon, who takes some shots at Roddy’s appearance. He says he looks better than anyone he’s ever stepped in the ring with, and has beaten them all. He has officially retired from in-ring action. Piper challenges him again, and that match should be tonight.
Quick take: Even if it was pointless, the segment was still pretty awesome. Also, I think Roddy was a bit tipsy.

* Sheamus cuts a promo. He plans to annihilate anyone who steps in the ring with him. It’s an open challenge. No one comes out, so he takes out the timekeeper for no reason. He bicycle kicks Lawler for good measure.
Quick take: Sheamus. A ginger with a bad attitude.

* Matt Striker replaces Jerry Lawler on commentary.
Quick take: UPGRADE!

* Jack Swagger d. Evan Bourne by pinfall
- Swagger wins with the gutwrench powerbomb.
Quick take: Far too short. Still good for what it was.

* Roddy Piper is in the ring waiting for Vince McMahon. In his place comes Randy Orton. Orton gets on the mic and berates Piper before attacking him. Piper gets in a punch before Orton just pummels the bejeezus out of him. He sets up a point, but Kofi Kingston comes out to make the save. They brawl out in the crowd. Kofi is about to put Orton through a table when the refs stop him, but he fights em off, and does it anyway.
Quick take: I have no words. I ate up every second of that segment. Very, very well done.

* John Cena is backstage for a promo. He runs down his opponents and tag partner in the match tonight.
Quick take: Cena wants to be the next Rock SO BADLY.

* WWE Champion John Cena and World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker d. Unified WWE Tag Team Champions JeriShow and DX in a triple threat tag match
- Cena pins Triple H after an Attitude Adjustment.
- After the match, Taker hits Cena with a Tombstone Piledriver.
Quick take: Fun spotfest. I have to wonder now if Cena is losing his title. TRIPLE H NEVER JOBS. Don’t forget that.

Extended thoughts:

Opening
- You talk about clusterfucks. This is weird.
- Why is Luis Guzman here?
- Hey, an SNL parody. FUn.
- HEY! The new song sucks.

Miz v MVP
- Love the MSG feel. That’s an awesome stage.
- Before the match, Miz cuts a promo. He mentions the Yankees, and how they’re not true champions. He is because he’s the Miz, and he’s awesome.
- God. Fuck the Yankees.
- Miz is killing this promo.
- MVP? Disappointing.
- Yankees hat. Sigh.
- MVP getting an early advantage. Shock! Not.
- Damn, Miz. That was his head! Into the pole. Sheesh.
- They wouldn’t dare do a title change here. No way.
- Hey, ballin’ at The Garden. Not enough of that these days.
- Wow. Way to sell that boot, Miz!
- There we go. Well done, Miz.
- That ending felt a bit rushed to me, but I’ll take it.

Santino v Chavo
- That is shameless, Santino. Shameless!
- Rangers, Giants, Knicks? Holy crap, man.
- How many jerseys does this guy have on.
- Well, this is kinda stupid.
- Where’s Hornswoggle?
- There he is!
- Oh my god. That’s so STUPID.

DX
- Yay, DX!
- I will always mark for DX. Just how I roll.
- Where’d everybody go?
- Ah, I love shilling. Shilling is the best.
- I want Shawn to turn heel so badly. It’s not even funny.
- No. They cannot let Hornswoggle in.
- Okay. That’s enough of the crotch chopping little buddy.
- Are we really letting Hornswoggle do this?
- Oh no. He’s in the ring.
- THEY DID IT!
- Nice decal on the skinboard.
- Nice touch. Great segment.

MSG and WWE
- Why are we promoting Jay-Z? Is he there?
- Wrestling is ALL ABOUT history. What a cool video package.
- Too bad Jay-Z sucks.

Backstage
- I officially want to kill myself now.
- I think Jericho might want to, also.
- Oh God. The Peas are there? WWE officially sucks.

Melina v Fox
- Judah! Hell yes!
- Rock it out, Judah.
- No notes for Judah! Way to go!
- Melinaaaaaa. Alright.
- There is nothing appealing about Alicia Fox.
- SHUT THE FUCK UP, LAWLER.
- WHERE’S MARIA? This match doesn’t count.
- Catfight! Woot.
- That match was short as hell. Almost no point to it.

Piper and McMahon
- Soak in the reception, Roddy.
- ROH shirt alert!
- You tell that cameraman, Roddy!
- Are you drunk, Roddy? This is kinda weird.
- Someone cut Roddy’s mic! Like, now.
- Oooooo. Watch it, Roddy.
- Cheap shot at Hogan. I approve.
- WHAT? Tonight? Seriously?
- Vinny Mac v The Hot Rod. Hmmm.
- Huuuuuge pop for Vince! WOW!
- Oh god. The crowd going for “What?” Why? Why would you do that?
- C’mon, surprise appearance! COME ON!
- Huh. Well, I don’t see the point of all this. Like, at all.

Sheamus
- Oh boy. Sheamus. Hooray for squash matches.
- Time to bust out the shades.
- I mean seriously. Sheamus, would it kill you to go outside? Just once?
- Mark Henry is my guess.
- Aw, poor guy.
- Lawler! That was way overdue.
- Is he gonna finish the show OR GET DA FUGG OUT?

Swagger v Bourne
- The ladies love them some Evan.
- Commercial before match starts? Boo.
- Heel in control after the commercial break alert!
- Swagger has got it. He just has it. Right balance of technical prowess and power. I’m a huge fan, and await the Swagger era with bated breath.
- GUTWRENCH! BAM!

Orton and Kofi
- YES.
- This will be so much better. Go Orton.
- GIT ‘IM!
- This is pretty cool.
- I like this new rivalry that came out of nowhere.
- This has been going way longer than I expected.
- Now we’re back in the crowd.
- Where’s Legacy for back up? Come on?
- ORTON IS BUSTED OPEN! YES!
- AWESOME!
- AWESOME!

Main event
- How did Big Show get through that opening?
- Hey, it’s 11, and Taker’s not even here yet.
- Wow, we’re busting out the druids? Jesus.
- Someone needs to tell Show he’s not actually a boxer.
- 3 people in the ring? What?
- WALLS!
- This has been a fun spotfest.
- Boos for Cena. Haha.
- Wow. Show NEVER hits the double Chokeslam.
- HBK! HBK! Go Shawn.
- Spotfest! WOOOOO!

Bottom line: 7.75/10. Dragged in some places, but nothing adds luster to an event like MSG, and the Orton/Kofi segment was some classic shit.

WWE Tonight

Monday Night Raw 9PM EST USA Network

* Guest host: WWE Hall of Famer “Rowdy” Roddy Piper

* Triple threat tag match: D-Generation X vs World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker and WWE Champion John Cena vs Unified WWE Tag Team Champions JeriShow

Raw .gifs (10 total)

Oh no she dit’nt!

Razor’s Edge

Air Bourne

Grrrr

Slap?

RKO

YAYYYYYYY

You can’t see them

Misguided KO Punch

Uh oh

Weekly Raw Review: November 9, 2009

An RKO on the Kool Aid man

So I’m combining both styles of review in one frankenstein-type deal. Figures I’d pick a week when I don’t have much to say because it was so lousy. Oh well.

Results:

* Justin Roberts introduces tonight’s guest host, Ricky Hatton. He welcomes everyone to Raw. They show some clips from his boxing career. Out comes JeriShow. Show says he’s knocked a lot of people out, too, and asks Hatton to leave the ring. Hatton says he’s a big fan of Show, especially when Mayweather knocked him out. Show gives Hatton a free shot. Jericho stops him. Jericho says he has enough on his plate with the triple threat at Survivor Series. Now they’re arguing over who’s gonna win. Hatton makes a match for tonight, JeriShow vs DX. Jericho goes off on the United Kingdom. Out comes DX. Triple H asks why JeriShow keeps making the same mistake of interrupting the guest hosts every week. Shawn wants to take care of business right now, and socks Jericho. Hatton and DX face down Big Show. He leaves.
Quick take: Hatton did a good job as host. The failure of this episode is not on him at all.

* Alicia Fox (with Jillian) d. Kelly Kelly (with Gail Kim) by pinfall
- Alicia wins with a hotshot, and an axe kick.
Quick take: Horrendous.

* Ricky Hatton is backstage with his son and John Cena. Cena says Hatton is doing a good job, but feels left out. Hatton says Cena will do guest commentary for the main event.
Quick take: Was that Hatton’s kid? Never explained who the kid was. I was confused.

* Sheamus d. local jobber by pinfall
- Before the match, Sheamus says he’s gonna make this Englishman look like a fool, just like the Irish always do.
- Typical squash. Sheamus wins with a crucifix powerbomb.
Quick take: Sheamus works stiff. Don’t think that’ll sit well with Hunter.

* Hatton is backstage with the Bella Twins. They ask what he’s been up to, and he plugs all his recent projects. Santino Marella comes in. Tonight, though, he is Ricky “Fatton.” Enter Chavo Guerrero. Chavo challenges Hatton to a game of darts. Chavo, of course, sucks. Chavo challenges Santino to a match. Hatton steps in and challenges Chavo to a match, boxer vs wrestler.
Quick take: Odd. Chavo is better than this. Santino continues to annoy. The Bellas continue to be hot if nothing else.

* Josh Matthews is backstage with US Champion The Miz. Matthews asks why Miz thinks his team can beat Morrison’s team. Miz beat Morrison at Bragging Rights, and plans to do it again. In comes Jack Swagger. Swagger says he’s going to pull the weight for their team. He has a match against Evan Bourne tonight.
Quick take: That was tremendous. The two of them bounce off each other well, just like Miz and Morrison did back in the day.

* Evan Bourne d. Jack Swagger by pinfall
- During the match, The Miz comes out. It’s enough of a distraction to allow Bourne to hit Air Bourne, and beat Swagger.
Quick take: So much for the winning streak. At least Evan’s doing something these days.

* MVP’s VIP Lounge with guests Mark Henry and Kofi Kingston. It’s a mutual admiration society. Out comes Legacy. Orton doesn’t like any of them. Legacy knocks the lounge. Kofi slaps Orton across the face.
Quick take: Kofi’s slap ruined the whole thing.

* Randy Orton (with Legacy) d. Mark Henry (with MVP and Kofi Kingston) by pinfall
- Orton hits an RKO out of nowhere for the win.
- After the match, Kofi checks on Henry, and trades punches with Orton.
Quick take: Lose some weight, Mark. Hell of an RKO, though.

* Ricky Hatton d. Chavo Guerrero by knockout in an “MMA match”
- Hatton catches Chavo with a right cross, and Chavo’s done.
Quick take: What a waste of my time.

* John Cena is backstage, lecturing Hornswoggle about the whole DX apparel thing. DX wants to know where Hornswoggle is as he’s run off before DX entered the room. They talk about the upcoming triple threat match. Hornswoggle comes back in, dressed like Cena.
Quick take: I thought it was funny. I like those 3 guys even if not many do.

* Roddy Piper will gost Raw next week.

* DX d. JeriShow by pinfall
- John Cena was on guest commentary.
- HBK pins Jericho after Big Show accidentally hits him with a KO Punch.
- After the match, they announce that the Raw main event next week will be DX vs JeriShow vs John Cena and The Undertaker. Taker even makes a cameo.
Quick take: Not a bad main event. Cena held his own on commentary. The build up for Series has been pretty good.

Extended thoughts:

Opening
- Chicks in boxing gear. YES. This demands a photoset.
- Most of them love Hatton. Must be nice.
- Happy birthday, Jericho!
- Now that’s a strong accent.
- Weeeeeellllll…
- You know something’s going down when JeriShow interrupts a guest host. Predictable, but awesome.
- Big Show and a boxer. Good God this brings back memories.
- Don’t do it, Show! This ended badly once!
- HA! Jericho called him little man. They’re totally the same height.
- DX pop! Cripes.
- Hunter has a point, they always do it, and always lose.
- Mr. BEAN! HAHAHHAHA
- Awwww. BOOOOOOOOOO. Boo, Big Show, BOO.

Fox v Kelly
- Aw, Kelly Kelly. Can’t hate, can’t hate.
- What’s Gail doing there?
- Seriously, Alicia Fox has THE WORST SONG.
- Diva face off. Hawt.
- Watch the hair!
- I wonder what Kelly’s natural hair color is. And skin color, for that matter.
- “Attitude? She has one.” - Michael Cole. Dude, STFU.
- I get too much enjoyment out of Kelly’s headscissors.
- Um, what was that? Kelly hit her finisher, and…um…what.
- Bo. Ring. Hor. Rible.

Sheamus
- YOU ARE SO GD PALE.
- So stiff, Sheamus. Jesus. Tone it down, pal.
- Crowd’s dead. How fun.
- Razor’s Edge! Woot.

Ricky Fatton and darts
- Okay, I’m super attracted to the Bellas lately.
- Hey, “Fatton” ain’t clever.
- Ugh. Chavo sucks at EVERYTHING.

Miz and Swagger
- He’s the Miz, and he’s awesome.
- Swagger’s awesome.
- The comedy stylings of Miz and Swagger. YES.

Bourne v Swagger
- Evan’s pop continues to get smaller. They need to give him something to do.
- Swagger + pyro is a great combination.
- DAMN! He just planted Bourne like nobody’s business.
- Evan Bourne is like Spongebob. He could fight himself, and lose.
- Cocky pushups! Not to be confused with cock pushups.
- Cross body to the back. That’s different.
- Wow. So much for Swagger’s streak.
- Can’t help but root for Evan.

VIP Lounge
- This crowd is kinda dead, but I can’t blame them. Not much to cheer for so far.
- Raw suffers when it tapes overseas. When it’s not live, it just feels off.
- I prefer Kofi without the accent. I can take him seriously.
- OH SHIT! We poppin’ bottles!
- They kinda have to be careful with the white vs black thing.
- Crowd’s chanting for Kofi. That’s good.

Orton v Henry
- Yeah right, Orton. You ain’t picking Henry up.
- Henry should shave. I just want to see what he’d look like.
- Henry’s just fat. I can’t deal with it.
- I like Orton’s knee drop. It’s about an athletic a move as there is.
- I can’t deal with how bad Cole and Lawler have been, either. This was taped, couldn’t they have fixed it?
- Rest Hold Randy strikes again.
- I feel bad that Orton has to sell for this tub. He’s better than this.
- Sunset flip, Randy? Really?
- RKO! HOLY SHIT!
- That was totally worth it.

Hatton v Guerrero
- What the hell is Hatton wearing? I don’t follow boxing.
- An MMA match. Interesting.
- You can get knighted for boxing?
- Chavo can win one way, but Hatton has to win in another? Weird, just weird.
- Poor Chavo.
- Chavo seriously needs to quit. This is disgraceful.

Cena and DX
- Twitter jokes! Yay!
- I can’t get enough of DX and Cena. I know it’s just me. Whatever.
- Okay, I giggled. Fuck off.

Piper
- AWESOME.

DX v JeriShow
- Happy birthday, Jericho (again). As a present: JOB!
- Glad the old DX entrance is back. The newer, HD version didn’t do it for me.
- 2nd DX pop of the night!
- Love seeing Jericho and HBK square off. It’s never boring.
- That was a fast cut to commercial. Homestretch time!
- Heels in control after th commercial break alert!
- How is HBK not dead? Show stepped on his damn throat.
- Big Show picks you up, that’s a loooooong way to fall.
- Cena’s doing a decent job on commentary.
- Come on Cole and King, ask Cena how he feels about being booed. Be somebody.
- Big Show’s spear has to hurt.
- Cena must be a few thousand in the hole if he bets on Show in big match situations.
- Jericho yelling at the commentators is the best.
- Shawn wants a hot tag! GIVE IT TO HIM.
- Vintage Shawn Michaels. Of course it is.
- Oopsie! Lights out, Jericho.
- Happy birthday!
- OMG GONG!
- Taker cameo on Raw. Pretty cool.

Bottom line: SIGH. 4/10

WWE Tonight

Monday Night Raw 9PM EST USA Network

from the United Kingdom

* Professional boxer Ricky “Hitman” Hatton hosts

Raw .gifs!

Cody headshake for the ladies

The Osbournes get in on the DX act

Orton puts some pep in his step

Masters ruins my night Pt 1

Masters pt 2

Masters pt 3

Jillian gets pwnt

We beat each other all the time!

Codebreaker!

I like how only one involves actual wrestling. Ha.

I take requests if there’s anything I missed.

Weekly Raw Review: November 2, 2009

This one’s for all the mean things I said about Cody. You’re welcome

* Justin Roberts introduces tonight’s guest hosts, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. He welcomes us aboard to Monday Night Raw. They recall the last time Ozzy was in a WWE TV show. Out comes US Champion The Miz. Miz asks if they’re having a good time so far. Miz says he’s a bigger star than the Osbournes now, and says he was robbed in his match last week against Evan Bourne. Swagger interfered, and he wants it stricken from the record. Ozzy asks who his. Out comes Legacy. Legacy says Miz’s complaints are petty, and they have a genuine one concerning Orton’s stock car last night. They want a handicap match against Kofi Kingston tonight. Out comes Big Show. He wants an apology for the way the roster treated him last week. Out comes DX. They plug Ozzy’s book, and apologize for the supposed ratings killers around them in the ring. They’re here to give everyone what they want. First, Miz. It will be Miz vs Evan Bourne for the US title tonight. Next, Legacy. It will be Kofi Kingston vs Randy Orton. Finally, Big Show. A triple threat match is announced for tonight, John Cena vs Chris Jericho vs Big Show.
Quick take: It felt like they got a bit carried away with all the people they had come out, but entertaining nonetheless. It seems everyone has a clearly defined character these days, and I really like that.

* The Miz d. Evan Bourne by pinfall to retain the United States Championship
- Miz dominates early on in the match, but Evan comes flying back, literally. Miz overpowers Bourne, but keeps falling victim to Evan’s speed. Bourne eventually goes up for Air Bourne, but Miz evades it, and Bourne pays for it by falling victim to a Skull Crushing Finale.
Quick take: “Miz is awesome” chants. Gotta love it. I felt this was a bit rushed, and I would have loved to have seen a good, long match.

* Sheamus d. Jamie Noble by ref stoppage
- Before the match, Sheamus says he intends to end Noble’s career.
- Sheamus dominates, but won’t let Noble out of the corner, and is the ref stops the match because Noble can’t continue. Sheamus then powerbombs Noble on the ringside floor.
Quick take: I don’t approve. James Gibson is one hell of a wrestler. Just watch him in ROH, and tell me I’m wrong. You can’t.

* Josh Matthews is backstage with Kofi Kingston. Matthews asks if Kofi regrets his actions from last week. He says he won’t be bullied, and left the mirror so Orton can see why he’s not WWE Champion anymore.
Quick take: You go Kofi! Awesome promo.

* Randy Orton vs Kofi Kingston is a no contest
- They trade punches and kicks back and forth. Kofi begins to get the upperhand, knocking Orton to the outside. Legacy comes to Orton’s aid, and Kofi does a dive onto all 3 of them.
- The Osbournes appear on the screen, and make it a 6-man tag match. Kofi’s partners will be MVP and Mark Henry.
Quick taste: Waaaste! We’re gonna have to wait to see this one, folks.

* Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Mark Henry d. Legacy by pinfall
- Henry pins Rhodes after a World’s Strongest Slam.
Quick take: Cody takes it on the chin yet again. Sigh. Gotta build up the henchmen if you want us to care when they turn on the leader. This is basic stuff!

* “Raw’s Got Talent” with judges Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, and The Great Khali. Santino Marella comes out, and bites the head off a Batman action figure. They nix it. Chris Masters comes out and does some pec flexing to “Crazy Train.” Ozzy says nay, but Sharon and Khali liked it. Next are Chavo Guerrero and Jillian. They sing a duet, and all 3 judges hate it. Jillian goes to the ring, singing Britney Spears. Sharon slaps her across the face. Chavo threatens Sharon. Khali comes to her aid with a Brain Chop. Out comes Hornswoggle, dressed as Jack Osbourne. He gives Chavo a Tadpole Splash for good measure.
Quick take: That could have been way worse. I feel odd for having seen what Masters did.

* Ricky Hatton will host Raw next week

* Alicia Fox wins a Divas Battle Royal to become #1 contender for the Divas Championship
- Participants: Eve, Nikki Bella, Brie Bella, Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, and Alicia Fox.
- Order of elimination: Gail (by Kelly), Brie (by Eve), Nikki (by Eve), Eve (by Alicia), Kelly (by Alicia)
- During the match, Jack Swagger came out for a closer look.
Quick take: Eve/Swagger intrigues the hell out of me. Melina v Alicia does not.

* Lawler and Cole inform us that Noble suffered serious back and neck injuries.

* SmackDown Rebound: Batista and Rey aren’t getting along no more

* Ozzy and Sharon are backstage. Up comes Chris Jericho. He’s annoyed about his match tonight, and complains he hasn’t gotten any respect. Jericho says he grew up idolizing Ozzy, and it got him nowhere. He reached his stride once he turned his back on his fans. Jericho leaves, and Ozzy and Sharon mock him behind his back.
Quick take: Go, Jericho, go.

* DX is backstage. They’re lecturing Hornswoggle about the whole gimmick infringement thing. Up comes John Cena. He warns them about mistreating Hornswoggle. Triple H and Shawn both seem confident that they can beat Cena. Cena makes a vaguely gay comment, and the Bellas overheard. They walk away. Cena says anything can happen in a triple threat.
Quick take: That was way funnier for me than it should have been. The Bellas really sold it, and this was the best Hornswoggle has ever done in my eyes.

* WWE Unified Tag Team Champion Chris Jericho d. WWE Unified Tag Team Champion Big Show and WWE Champion John Cena in a triple threat match
- DX joined Lawler and Cole on commentary.
- Cena takes Big Show out on the outside. Cena then goes to work on Jericho. Show trips up Cena, and tosses him into the restraining wall. Show and Jericho begin to wear Cena down. Cena begins to mount a comeback on Jericho, but Show hits him with a Spear, and Jericho follows that up with a Lionsault. Jericho and Show won’t let the other pin Cena. Jericho slaps Show, who tosses him out of the ring. Cena avoids a Chokeslam, but can’t hit an Attitude Adjustment. Cena avoids a Vader Bomb, and hits the 5 moves of doom on Jericho. He picks Jericho up for an Attitude Adjustment, but Big Show hits him with a KO Punch. Jericho falls on top of Cena for the victorious pin.
- After the match, JeriShow straps a dobule submission hold on Cena. DX goes for the save, but fall victim to a KO Punch and Codebreaker.
Quick take: DX was BRILLIANT on commentary. I was eating it up. I also like JeriShow getting the last laugh.

That wasn’t so bad. I wish I had one steady stream throughout the night, but I enjoyed what I saw.

Bottom line: 7.5/10

WWE Tonight

Monday Night Raw 9PM EST USA Network

* Guest hosts: Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne

* New theme song debuts (?, still in the rumor stage)

Weekly Raw Review: October 26, 2009

The next face of Raw?

* WWE Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho and Big Show kick off the show. Jericho poses with the trophy SmackDown won last night at Bragging Rights. Show says he’s still a proud member of the Raw roster. Jericho says Show is a man of loyalty, and applauds him. Show tries to speak, but Jericho cuts him off again.  Fed up, Show says he acted to further his career. Because SmackDown won Bragging Rights, Show gets a shot at Taker for the World Heavyweight Championship. We cut backstage, where the two NASCAR guest hosts are making donuts in the parking lot behind the arena. They drive the cars out by the entrance ramp, both cars are emblazoned in SmackDown vs Raw colors and logos. They enter the ring, and talk to JeriShow about their actions last night. One man supports him, but the other doesn’t. It is obvious one driver is the heel, and the other is the babyface. Tonight, though, it will be Big Show vs Triple H. In addition, we’ll see Chris Jericho vs Kofi Kingston.
Quick take: The NASCAR guys has like 3 lines, and they blow most of them. Terrible choice. Show and Jericho are still getting it done big time, though. Good for them.

* Kofi Kingston d. WWE Unified Tag Team Champion Chris Jericho by pinfall
- The two trade some offense back and forth. Kofi begins to gain the upperhand while utilizing his athleticism. Jericho cheats to swing the momentum. Jericho takes too long taunting, and falls victim to some of Kofi’s high flying moves. Jericho is able to counter a monkey flip into a powerbomb. Jericho begins to work the back and neck of Kofi. Kofi counters a running bulldog to create an opening. Jericho counters a Boom Drop attempt, but can’t hook the Walls of Jericho. Kofi kicks out a pin following an enzugiri. Kofi hits a few signature moves on Jericho, but has Trouble in Paradise blocked. He counters the Walls into a rollup, but Jericho kicks out. Jericho quickly comes back with a Codebreaker, but Kofi gets a foot on the ropes. Jericho argues, and turns right into a Trouble in Paradise. Match over.
- After the match, Kofi celebrates on the ramp, but is assaulted by Randy Orton.
Quick take: Best match of the night. Kofi’s being given a huge opportunity with Orton, and he seems determined to make the most of it. I respect that.

* Josh Matthews catches up with Randy Orton backstage, asking why he attacked Kofi. Orton blames Kofi for his loss last night. It was justice. He has only just begun to get back to Kofi. Up comes Legacy. They think Orton was robbed last night, and they have a token of their gratitude. It’s a race car painted with Orton’s likeness. They say it’s only a matter of time before the title comes back to Legacy.
Quick take: Cool car.

* Eve is backstage, plugging an upcoming NASCAR event. In comes Jack Swagger. He compares himself to the young stud drivers. He wants a WWE Championship match against John Cena tonight. While they say he won’t wrestle tonight, they do announce that they’ll be picking Cena’s next opponent. Swagger hits on Eve, and The Miz comes in. Miz also hits on Eve, and says he’s the only person who represented Raw to win their match last night, and says he fully expects to be granted that title match.
Quick take: How could you not fight over Eve? She’s gorgeous. That said, it’s forced and dumb. Just have them fight over the #1 contendership. It’s believable enough on its own. Really.

* Sheamus will debut on Raw tonight.
Quick take: Why move him? ECW had some heat with the Sheamus and Shelton thing. Of course they abandoned it.

* Divas Champion Melina and Santino Marella vs Jillian and Chavo Guerrero
- Santino and Chavo start off. Santino can’t sustain any offense, and Chavo takes over. Santino evades some attacks, and punches Chavo out. Jillian tags in, which means Melina must also come in. Up comes Hornswoggle STILL dressed as HBK. Melina bothches her Last Call finisher, and has to hit Jillian with her legsplit DDT to finish the match off.
- After the match, it is revealed that DX has filed a cease and desist letter against Hornswoggle.
Quick take: Melina and Jillian don’t work well together at all. It’s really hard to watch. I hate Hornswoggle SO MUCH.

* Justin Roberts introduces WWE Champion John Cena, but is interrupted by Legacy. They say Cena is going to have to wait because they’re here. Just because Orton can no longer fight for the title doesn’t mean they can’t. At Survivor Series, they want to bring the gold back where it belongs. Instead of asking for permission, they directly challenge Cena. Out comes Cena. He doesn’t need to brag about what happened last night. He’s still exhausted. They did it for themselves, for the title, for the fans, and to bring an end to the rivalry. He mocks Legacy. If they want a shot at the championship, they’ll have to work for it. They have a match right now, against MVP and Mark Henry.
Quick take: Sorry ladies, Legacy just SUCKS. They’re boring and uninteresting.

* MVP and Mark Henry d. Legacy by pinfall
- Legacy dominates MVP early on. He tags in Henry, who mounts a comeback on Rhodes. DiBiase clips the leg as the referee is distracted. Legacy begins to wear Henry down. Henry makes a desperation tag to MVP, who again mounts a comeback against DiBiase. MVP goes for a sunset flip on DiBiase. Henry clotheslines DiBiase on the way down, and it’s enough to pick up a quick win.
Quick take: I see no reason why Legacy shouldn’t have gone over here. None.

* After the match, Randy Orton makes his way to the ring. He reminds everyone that the Raw guest hosts are still looking for a #1 contender, and that it apparently won’t be him. He understands the terms of the match last night, but he is a former champion, and therefore deserves a rematch for the WWE title. Kofi Kingston appears on the TitanTron. He says no one cares what Orton has to say. Orton dares Kofi to come down to the ring, and say it to his face. The camera pans down to reveal Kofi is on Orton’s stock car. Kofi says the stock cars are durable, and to prove his point, he rams a huge box into it. No dent. He then keys the car. He takes a crowbar to it, too. He pours red pain all over the hood for good measure.
Quick take: Like I said, Kofi seems determined to have this push work out. That was entertaining as hell. Suck it, car.

* Evan Bourne d. United States Champion The Miz by countout in a non-title match
- Eve served as guest ring announcer.
- Miz opens on offense. He works over Evan’s back and arms. Evan tries to mount a comeback, but is unsuccessful. Jack Swagger makes his way to ringside, and gets on the mic. He says no one is watching the match because all eyes are on Eve, and Eve’s watching him. Miz gets out of the ring, and in Swagger’s face. Evan does a plancha on to both of them. Bourne scrambles back into the ring, but Miz can’t beat the count. He gives chase to Bourne after the match, but can’t catch him.
Quick take: They never should have moved Bourne off of ECW. They’re wasting his talent.

* Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne will host Raw next week.
Quick take: This ought to be fun, and not very PG friendly.

* Sheamus d. Jamie Noble by pinfall
- Before the match, the guest hosts and The Bellas appear on the TitanTron to introduce Noble’s opponent, Sheamus. He takes the opportunity to say he’s going to make an impression.
- Sheamus opens the match by knocking Noble out of the ring, and against the steps. He continues to dominate with power moves. Noble briefly fights back, using his speed, but can’t keep up with Sheamus. He beats Noble with a bicycle kick.
Quick take: The slow build for the monster heel can only mean he’ll be jobbing to Cena and Hunter within 3 months.

* Triple H (with Shawn Michaels) d. WWE Unified Tag Team Champion Big Show (with Chris Jericho) by pinfall in a No Disqualification, Lumberjack, Special Referee match
- Before the match, Triple H announces that the match is a lumberjack match. The lumberjacks are all the members of the Raw roster. Jericho books it away from ringside. Shawn gets on the mic, and says it is also No Disqualification. There’s also a special guest referee, WWE Champion John Cena.
- Triple H and Show trade punches in the middle of the ring. Triple H straps a sleeper hold on Show. Show whips Hunter down to the canvas, and crushes him on a failed scoop slam attempt. Triple H gets back up, but walks right into a Spear. Show tries to choke Hunter, but HBK gets in his face. Show continues to dominate with his power. Chris Masters interrupts the match, and Show makes him pay with a KO Punch. The distraction allows Triple H to recover, and he tries to knock Big Show down. He reverses a Chokeslam attemtpt into a DDT, but Show kicks out. Triple H can’t connect with a Pedigree. Show crushes Hunter with a Banzai Drop, but Cena refuses to make the pin count. The Raw roster takes the opportunity to attack Raw. Not much seems to phase him until Henry and MVP and Bourne get involved. Show chokeslams Santino, but is struck with Trouble in Paradise and an Attitude Adjustment. Show is finished off with a Sweet Chin Music and a Pedigree.
- After the match, the NASCAR guys come out. They’re here to announce Cena’s #1 contender for Survivor Series. Out comes Hornswoggle. It will be a triple threat match, John Cena vs Shawn Michaels vs Triple H.
Quick take: That was a lot of fun. It seems dumb to pit the brands against each other, though. How can fans just pick sides? I know I’m not explaining myself well, but when the brands mingle as much as they do, and with trades, and drafts and all that, I can’t buy into the fact that you are loyal to one brand over another. I find it stupid.

Bottom line: 6.25/10. Raw seems better suited to being 90 minutes or shorter. It’s just that much too long for me these days.