Weekly Superstars Review: November 26, 2009

Another victory for His Awesomeness

Results:

* United States Champion The Miz d. Santino Marella by pinfall in a non-title match
- Miz wins with a Skull Crushing Finale.
Quick take: Of course Miz was gonna win!

* Ask the Divas featuring Alicia Fox, Beth Phoenix, Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly, Eve, Melina, and The Bellas.
Quick take: Eeeeeeve! Beth! Melina! Where’s Maria?

* Vladimir Kozlov (with William Regal) d. Goldust by pinfall
- Kozlov wins with an Iron Curtain.
- Regal hits Goldust with a Knee Trembler after the match.
Quick take: Continuity. How often do you see that?

* Raw Rebound: Ventura mixes things up, and Sheamus becomes #1 contender.

* R-Truth d. Dolph Ziggler by pinfall
- Truth wins with a Lie Detector.
Quick take: Psh. Whatever.

Extended thoughts:

Miz v Marella
- Can’t believe this is on.
- Can’t believe I’m watching it live.
- Miz is still pretty awesome. What’s it gonna take to move him into the world title picture?
- I don’t understand Santino’s appeal.
- That “Beth Phoenix is My Dad” sign hurts my feelings.
- “Miz likes to hang around himself.” - Michael Cole. I bet he does.
- I wonder how long Superstars will be around. There can’t be too many people watching. I know no one that does.
- This is boring. I can’t take Santino as a legit threat. Ever.
- Game, set, match. ‘Tis over.

Ask the Divas
- I’m thankful for the Divas.
- Eeeeeeeeve!

Goldust v Kozlov
- Ah, selling the whole “Jackson went off the deep end” thing. Well done. Finally, some continuity.
- Goldust. Sigh. Still a shock to me that he’s gainfully employed.
- Is that Regal shirt available anywhere? I feel like it was at some point.
- Kozlov bores me. Lack of charisma shouldn’t be considered a gimmick.
- A commercial break? Really?
- Like, who cares about this stuff man? Really?
- I am not in the wrestling mood. Gotta be honest.
- Oh well. It’s over.
- No postmatch beatdown?
- Spoke too soon, huh?

Truth v Ziggler
- God, here comes the rapping. This kills me inside.
- Perfection. He has perfected the art of losing.
- Impressive showing at Survivor Series? He was the first man eliminated!
- Now we’re doing “We Will Rock You”? Truth can do it all. I am annoyed.
- Grab those ropes!
- Keep asking “What’s Up.” Doesn’t help you.
- Ziggler stealing the “What’s Up Now?” from me.
- Did he just raise the roof?
- This has been a long hour.
- I like Striker, but admittedly, he tries too hard sometimes.
- Ziggler was thrusting on that submission hold. There’s no way around it.
- I love Ziggler’s big elbow.
- The commentators are berating Ziggler for being too cocky. I wonder why.
- Homestretch time.
- Suplex stunner! I’ll give it up for that one, Truth. Ya got me there.
- X Factor!
- Scissors Kick. Game.
- Oh! Not over.
- Missed the Fame Asser. Sigh.
- The Lie Detector is such a stupid move.

Bottom line: I have to wonder why I should care. I like Dolph and Miz, but I still fail to see the point of Superstars sometimes. ECW, too. Two shows was enough, it really was. 5.25/10

Weekly ECW Review: November 24, 2009

Shelton hits Paydirt in the only real thing worth watching this week

Results:

* Shelton Benjamin d. Zack Ryder (with Rosa Mendes) by pinfall
- Shelton wins with Paydirt.
Quick take: Not a bad match, and certainly the best of the night even if that means nothing. Ryder and Benjamin worked hard, and put on a decent show, but in the end, no one really cared.

* After the match, ECW Champion Christian comes out. Christian says Shelton is the #1 contender for his title, and will get his match at TLC. He challenges Shelton to a ladder match. Shelton accepts.
Quick take: I look forward to them stealing the show.

* The Ruthless Roundtable is backstage. William Regal says he deserves to be champion, and will start by beating Yoshi Tatsu tonight.
Quick take: Way to cut off Bill, production.

* Vance Archer d. Alex Reynolds by pinfall
- Archer wins with a Reverse DDT.
Quick take: Sorry, I can’t hear you over my snoring.

* Raw Rebound and TLC card review
Quick take: Good way to kill 20 minutes, which this did.

* The Abraham Washington Show with special guest Matt Hardy. We plug “Scare Tactics,” and lament that Matt is not Jeff.
Quick take: No, just no. Not even V1 can save this show.

* Yoshi Tatsu d. William Regal (with Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov) by pinfall
- Tatsu wins with a roundhouse kick.
- After the match, Regal yells at Kozlov and Jackson, who attempt to blame one another. Jackson then hits Kozlov with a uranage slam. For good measure, he hits Regal with one, too.
Quick take: And Jackson takes one more step toward becoming Black Kevin Nash.

Extended thoughts:

Ryder v Benjamin
- Missed the first 5 minutes, but missed nothing at all.
- Ohhhhh, radio….
- So, Shelton will be #1 contender? I can dig it.
- Rosa is either hot, or she isn’t. I’m still undecided.
- Heel in control after the commercial break alert!
- Ruff Ryder on the outside! Bam!
- Mix in the Spanish with that English, Rosa. RAWR!
- Superfly Splash!
- Spinning elbow!
- We are having a good time!
- Turnbuckle powerbomb!
- Signature moves! Whee!

Christian
- Nice.
- Christian on a PPV. Defending. Wow.
- This should be pretty good.
- They could very well steal the damn show. Nice.
- What in the blue hell is a chairs match?

Regal
- They cut his ass off. No one cares.

Squash
- God, Lance. No one cares. Like, at all.
- Pfft.
- Is this over yet? NO?
- Sell that clothesline, jobber.

Filler
- Holy shit, that killed 20 minutes.

Washington Show
- This crowd is more dead than Tyler Reks’ push.
- Twilight jokes? Why even bother?
- The Atlas laugh. Will always haunt me.
- OHHHH YEAAAHAHHHH.
- Matt has been de-pushed because of his weight. Just wanted to make that clear.
- He’s not Jeff. Could you tell?
- Heh. Tony laughed when he wasn’t supposed to. Brilliant.
- We’re pimping Scare Tactics? Are you serious?
- Atlas scared Abe! That was actually kinda funny.
- “Drug” and “Meth” are also four letter words. JUST SAYIN’.
- Double taunts!
- VEEEE ONE-AHHHHHH!

Tatsu v Regal
- Why is Yoshi still main eventing ECW?
- Why is this match taking place?
- Why am I watching?
- Why? Why? Why?
- Someone in WWE is aware these two have no chemistry, right?
- I’ll tell you what ground this down. Yoshi. He has no redeeming qualities for me.
- Get ‘im, Kozlov!
- What the hell just happened? Was that it?
- Is Regal done?
- GET ‘IM, BOYS!
- Is this segment over yet?
- Big Zeke as a face? Whaaa?

Bottom line: As I had it put to me, “A Big Bowl of Nothing.” 4.75/10

Weekly Raw Review: November 23, 2009

The next translucent face of Raw?

No extended thoughts for tonight. Wasn’t feelin’ it. Sorry.

Results:

* Guest host Jesse Ventura is introduced, but Randy Orton comes out. Orton says he knows there’s a major announcement concerning the WWE Championship tonight, and wants to make a case for another title match. Out comes Jesse Ventura, working a style similar to what he wore during his wrestling days. He kinda stumps politically. He wants to bring revolution to WWE, and will not give any of the same old guys a shot. There will be a series of qualifying matches tonight, and the only men eligible for the qualifiers can never have been world champions. Winner of a battle royal will be #1 contender. He has some other things to announce. First, WWE Champion John Cena vs CM Punk in a non-title match. We’ve got the Hart Dynasty vs D-Generation X also.
Quick take: Mixing things up, eh? We’ll see. I appreciate the thought behind it.

* Kofi Kingston d. Dolph Ziggler by pinfall in a Breakthrough Qualifying match; Kingston will be in a battle royal later on
- Kof wins with a Trouble in Paradise.
Quick take: Predictable, but definitely the best qualifying match of the night.

* United States Champion The Miz is backstage. What is he thankful for? He’s not thankful for much because he expects greatness. We should be thankful that we get to watch him.
Quick take: I’m thankful. Why wasn’t he included in the qualifying? Or Drew McIntyre for that matter?

* Sheamus d. Finlay by pinfall in a Breakthrough Qualifying match; Sheamus will be in a battle royal later on
- Sheamus wins with a crucifix powerbomb.
- Not satisfied, he beats Finlay up outside the ring after the match, kicking him into the crowd.
Quick take: I wonder if Finlay is retiring soon. Sure feels like it.

* SmackDown GM Teddy Long is backstage. He’s about to tell us what the’s thankful for, but is cut off by Vickie Guerrero. Everyone should be greatful that she once again has some power and control. Long is about to throw some mashed potatoes on her, but is stopped by Eric Escobar.
Quick take: Gross.

* We plug Jesse Ventura’s upcoming new series, “Conspiracy Theories.”

* Ventura is backstage, and is met by Orton. Orton wants to be in the battle royal, and says the WWE has conspired against him being champion. Ventura agrees, but says he can’t break his own rules. He tells Orton to keep retiring old guys, and sends him on his way.
Quick take: Could never shake the feeling Orton was going to get a title shot. Still can’t.

* WWE Champion John Cena d. CM Punk by pinfall in a non-title match
- Before the match, Punk grabs a mic, and tells us what he’s thankful for. He’s thankful that he’s straightedge, which makes him better than us. He then picks on gluttons because everyone overeats at Thanksgiving. Through his sober eyes, he can see John Cena.
- Punk counters an Attitude Adjustment, and goes for the GTS. Cena counters the GTS into an STF, but Punk makes it to the rope. Cena eventually wins with an Attitude Adjustment off the second rope.
Quick take: YES! YES! Punk looked like he belonged in the ring with Cena! This is how he should have been booked all along! Well done, WWE.

* Mr. McMahon and Ventura are backstage. McMahon doesn’t want to face Ventura in the ring, but that’s not what Ventura wants. No, Ventura wants to announce a match with McMahon.
Quick take: Love it.

* MVP, Mark Henry, and R-Truth d. Jack Swagger, Chris Masters, and Chavo Guerrero by pinfall in a Breakthrough Qualifying match; MVP, Truth, and Henry will be in a battle royal later
- Truth pins Masters after a Lie Detector.
Quick take: Frownies from me. That trio does nothing for me.

* DX is backstage. Triple H looks annoyed with Shawn Michaels. Shawn says it was for title, and did what he had to do. Hunter concedes he would have done the same thing. A little person delivers papers to them that inform them that Hornswoggle is suing them.
Quick take: Hoo boy.

* Evan Bourne vs Primo in a Breakthrough Qualifying match never happens
- Before the match, Orton comes out and beats up Primo. He storms to the ring, and declares he has taken Primo’s spot in the match. Ventura appears on the tron, and berates Orton. Rules are made to be broken, though, and is prepared to break his own rules. If Orton can beat Bourne, he will be in the battle royal.

* Randy Orton d. Evan Bourne by pinfall in a Breakthrough Qualifying match; will be in a battle royal later on
- Orton wins with an RKO.
Quick take: -__-

* Native Americans (Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, and Melina) d. Pilgrims (Michelle McCool, Layla, and Jillian) vs in a Thanksgiving Diva match that had a really stupid name
- Special guest timekeeper: Gobbledy Gooker
- Layla and Michelle walk out on the match, leaving Jillian to get pinned by Melina.
- After the match, Maryse reveals herself to have been in the Gobbledy Gooker costume.
Quick take: Maryse is back! Hot damn!

* D-Generation X d. The Hart Dynasty (with Natalya) by pinfall
- Triple H pins Kidd after a Pedigree.
Quick take: I can’t believe I was stupid enough to buy a Hart Dynasty shirt. Long live the Job Dynasty.

* After the match, Unified WWE Tag Team Champion Chris Jericho comes out. He announces that DX will face JeriShow for the Unified WWE Tag Team titles at TLC. It will be in a TLC match.
Quick take: Oughta be good. Except for the fact that I can’t picture Show climbing a ladder.

* Batista makes his way to the ring, to Rey Mysterio’s entrance music. He says he gave Rey the chance to walk away last night, but Rey didn’t, so he had to embarrass him. He’s here to put everyone on notice, he intends to become #1 contender for the World Heavyweight Championship. Out comes Kane. Kane dares Batista to hit him. Batista just walks off.
Quick take: We’re supposed to take Kane seriously now? Really?

* Legacy d. Cryme Tyme by pinfall in a Breakthrough Qualifying match; Rhodes and DiBiase will be in a battle royal later on
- DiBiase pins Shad after Dream Street.
Quick take: Whatever.

* Gail Kim and Alicia Fox are backstage. A food fight is about to start, but Santino Marella stops them. He then makes a sexist comment, and they both pie him instead. The Bellas come up, and he messes up with them, too. More pies in the face. Eve comes up, and he screws up once more. Yet another pie in the face. Vickie comes up, and Santino gets her with a pie.
Quick take: Eeeeeeeeeve!

* Sheamus wins the Breakthrough Battle Royal to become #1 contender for the WWE Championship
- Jesse Ventura and Vince McMahon were the commentators for the match.
- Participants: Kofi Kingston, Sheamus, MVP, Mark Henry, R-Truth, Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, and Ted DiBiase
- Order of elimination: R-Truth (by Sheamus), MVP (by Sheamus), Legacy (by Mark Henry), Mark Henry (by Sheamus), Randy Orton (by Kofi Kingston), Kofi Kingston (by Sheamus)
Quick take: Was sort of shocked by Sheamus winning. I hope it’s not too much, too soon, and that he doesn’t plummet down the card if he loses. I expect good things from him, though. McMahon and Ventura couldn’t recapture the magic. I’ll leave it at that. It was obvious to me that Vince didn’t want to do it.

* A contract signing between Sheamus and John Cena is officiated by Jesse Ventura. Cena tries to intimidate Sheamus by saying he’s seen it all in WWE. He tells Sheamus he better be prepared to make a statement. Sheamus says all he’s done will be nothing in comparison to what he’ll do to Cena. Sheamus signs, and Cena does soon after. Ventura says there’s a conspiracy in WWE to keep Cena champion. Cena turns to face Ventura, and that gives Sheamus the opening he needs to begin beating Cena up. He slams Cena through the table. Ventura announces the match will be a Tables match.
Quick take: An unwritten rule is that all contract signings end with someone going through the table, or having it flipped onto them. Good luck, Sheamus.

Bottom line: 7.25/10. Not nearly as painful a 3 hours as I anticipated. We’re trying new things, and if they fail? So what? The important thing is you’re trying. As a fan who’s impossible to please, I must say I at least appreciate the notion that they’re trying to listen, and change. That’s all you can really ask for.

Weekly SmackDown Review: November 20, 2009

I may not be their biggest fans, but even I have to sit back and admit that that’s pretty f’in cool

Results:

* Batista d. Matt Hardy by pinfall
- Batista finishes Matt with 3 spinebusters and a Batista Bomb.
Quick take: Matt just keeps getting his shit wrecked. I feel bad for him.

* Josh Matthews catches up with Batista backstage. He asks about last week. Batista says Rey Mysterio has made 3 major mistakes. He cost him the title, signed a hold harmless agreement, and embarrassed him. That won’t happen again.
Quick take: Sigh.

* GM Teddy Long is backstage. Vickie Guerrero and Eric Escobar come up to him, and Vickie says Long has done a bad thing by reuniting Kane and The Undertaker. Vickie says he’s in over his head. Long says he doesn’t need her advice, and asks them to leave. In comes Vince McMahon. McMahon says teaming up the Brothers of Destruction was a bad decision. He names Vickie a consultant for SmackDown.
Quick take: SIGH.

* Drew McIntyre d. Finlay by pinfall
- Before the match, McIntyre calls Finlay a little old lady, and claims Finlay is scared of him.
- McIntyre beats Finlay with an eye gouge and a Double Arm DDT.
Quick take: SIIIIIIIGH.

* CM Punk makes his way to the ring. In the ring, there’s a table set up with 3 upturned buckets with X’s on them. There’s also a garbage can. This will be a straightedge intervention. Under bucket number one is a carton of cigarettes. Under bucket number two is a bottle of prescription medication. Of course, bucket number three is alcohol. He pours everything into the garbage can. Out comes R-Truth. He spouts some truths at Punk, and says everyone needs to make their own decisions in life. He DDTs Punk. He pours the can all over Punk.
Quick take: Finally, things pick up. Having K-Kwik do that to Punk seems kinda like a heel thing to do, doesn’t it? I thought it was a dick move, but then again, I hate Kwik and like Punk, so there you go.

* John Morrison d. Dolph Ziggler in a 2 out of 3 falls match, 2-1, to retain the Intercontinental Championship
- 1st fall: Morrison catches Ziggler in a cradle.
- 2nd fall: Ziggler pins Morrison after a Zig Zag.
- 3rd fall: Morrison pins Ziggler after Starship Pain.
Quick take: Way too short. What was the hurry?

* Mickie James d. Layla by pinfall
- Mickie wins with a bridging pin.
- After the match, Layla grabs a mic, and says she has something to show Mickie. It’s a music video of sorts starring Michelle McCool. She keeps calling her “Piggie” James, and sings a song kinda like “Old MacDonald,” making fun of Mickie.
Quick take: You can cry on my shoulder anytime, Mickie.

* Tyson Kidd (with Natalya) d. Rey Mysterio by disqualification
- Batista was a guest commentator for the match.
- Batista interfered, and hit Tyson, causing a DQ.
Quick take: Tyson didn’t look like he didn’t belong, and for that I am thankful. Rey has always done his best to elevate others, which is why he’s so great.

* JeriShow is backstage. Jericho wants to make sure they’re on the same page. Show says his mind’s on Survivor Series, and says Jericho sounds like he’s scared. Show leaves, and flickers the lights. Jericho flips out, and Show has made his point.
Quick take: Big Show owned this segment. No small feat.

* Unified WWE Tag Team Champions vs World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker and Kane ends in a double countout
- Show takes out Kane with a KO Punch, and Taker with a Chokeslam. Jericho then hits the Codebreaker on Show, grabs the World title belt, and walks off.
Quick take: Not bad. Still can’t take Kane seriously. I hope Jericho wins Sunday, I really do. You have no idea.

Extended thoughts:

Batista v Hardy
- Big fan of heel Batista. No taunting, no nothing. Love it.
- Why is there a “Hi Batman” sign?
- WWE fans are so easy. Booing Batista, cheering Matt. 4 months ago, the reactions were inverse.
- I expect Matt to lose, and to lose convincingly right here.
- Obvious editing in this match early on. Always so jarring.
- It always amuses me when someone uses their ass as a weapon.
- Terrible DDT. Gotta sell better than that, Batista.
- How much is Matt gonna have to take right here?
- Poor Matthew. You’re a jobber, plain and simple.

Interview
- Eh oh!
- No Mercy? That’s not a PPV anymore, Dave.

Vickie
- I wonder why Vickie came back.
- Escobar is sucking, and he’s not even doing anything.
- Ah, Vinnie Mac. YES
- Oh no. More Vickie? Good lord. We’re in for it now.

McIntyre v Finlay
- Again with these two? Really? Ugh.
- I don’t care about either of these guys at this moment.
- I want to see both of them lose. And that’s not even possible.
- Finlay’s still smiling? Why?
- How did Finlay make that noise on a double leg takedown? I’m confused.
- Eye gouge!
- Wow, really? We’re done here? Cool beans.
- That was quick. I’m kinda shocked.

Straightedge intervention
- Punk promo. Good times for all.
- Punk’s got one hell of a beard working there. Maybe I’ll hold on to mine after all.
- Where will they take Punk from here?
- I will absolutely put my hand on the TV screen.
- The boos are some form of denial.
- Hey! The old guy!
- Teach us to survive. I need a lesson.
- What brand are those sticks?
- Caution: May Cause a Slow and Painful Death. Hahahhaha.
- They are poison. Smoking habitually is the only habit I can’t get behind.
- Damn, there were a lot of cigs in there.
- Failure in a bottle. Is that the same as a failure pile?
- Wonder what kind of placebos those were. Or maybe just some Tylenol.
- The crowd loves them some alcohol.
- And boy do they want him to drink it. Auto face turn right there.
- Jeez. Everything is poison to this guy.
- Now that’s a waste of whiskey.
- The crowd goes, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
- Must be a strong smell in that ring.
- R-Truth? Really? Why are we continuing with this guy?
- NO! NO! NO! NO!
- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- Oh, fuck you R-Truth.
- Punk absolutely moved in the way of that. Truth was pouring it on his abdomen, and Punk squirmed so that his head fell underneath the “waterfall.” Disgusting.

Morrison v Ziggler
- This oughta be pretty good. They have a decent chemistry with each other.
- There’s no way this doesn’t go for all 3. Doesn’t go two straight unless there’s an injury. The only exception I can think of is Foley v Flair at Vengeance 2006.
- Springboard flipping clothesline looked PAINFUL.
- Early Starship Pain?
- Knees up, son. Yowch.
- That was kinda random.
- Quick fall. Boo.
- Heel in control after the commercial break alert!
- Striker just told Ziggler to cheat. Money.
- Zig Zag! Good God. That was also very fast.
- “GET UP, COWARD!” Ziggler’s kind of showing a douchey streak. I like it.
- Ziggler’s “ASK” kinda soundled like he was saying, “ASS!”
- Damn! What a gutbuster!
- I don’t know the last time I saw a kickout into a pin.
- X Factor!
- That was way too short for my tastes. Oh well.

Mickie v Layla
- Yay! Mickie!
- Michelle’s a bitch. I know this going in.
- Jesus, Layla’s hot. Wow.
- Mickie can hit me with a Thesz Press anytime.
- Go Mickie! Another quick one. What are we saving time for?
- Not cool. Not cool.
- Mickie’s so pretty! Leave her alone!
- Making herself cry on command is pretty impressive.

Kidd v Mysterio
- Where’s DH Smith?
- Kidd v Mysterio could be something great. I know this won’t be, but it could if it mattered.
- Batista doing the stoneface thing again. Riveting.
- Stop trying to talk to him, guys. He ain’t gonna bite.
- Aw. Another waste.
- Oh shit! Mysterio went for it, and hit it! Damn!
- Eat it, Batista. Again. Wow.

JeriShow
- That was hilarious. Big Show’s understatedness was awesome.

JeriShow v BoD
- Neat entrance for the BoD. I like it.
- That’s intimidating right there. Even if it is half Kane.
- Naturally, Jericho is getting his ass kicked.
- Where would Kane be without Taker? Nowhere, right?
- Show and Taker faceoff is not as epic as they’d like.
- Show didn’t break up the pin. Hmmm.
- Someone needs to debut that is legitimately not afraid of Taker. I’d just like to see it.
- Never taunt near Taker. Never ends well.
- Jericho never hits the Lionsault anymore.
- I love when Jericho berates the commentating team.
- Kane has no agility. Calm down, Striker.
- No one does the running boot better than Taker.
- Striker is going NUTS.
- We all brawlin’ on the outside. This is gonna be a double countout, isn’t it?
- Or not. I can’t tell if we were counting or not.
- GO, JERICHO,  GO!

Bottom line: 7.5/10. The good far outweighed the bad. Gabe Sapolsky can shut his jealous ass up.

WWE Tonight

Friday Night SmackDown 8PM EST myNetworkTV

It’s after midnight where I am, this counts.

* Unified WWE Tag Team Champions JeriShow vs World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker and Kane (Brothers of Destruction) in a non-title match

What an awkward shot of Kane. Those are very obviously not his arms crossed in front of him. How odd.

* 2 out of 3 falls for the  Intercontinental Championship: John Morrison (c) vs Dolph Ziggler

Weekly Superstars Review: November 19, 2009

Run, Cody, run!

Results:

* Zack Ryder (with Rosa Mendes) d. Shelton Benjamin by pinfall
- Rosa gets in the ring with a cell phone. Shelton goes to attack Ryder, but stops short because of Rosa. Ryder takes advantage by slamming Shelton off the top rope to pick up the win.
Quick take: Best match of the night, but that’s not saying much. The finish was beyond stupid.

* Ask the Divas featuring The Bellas, Melina, Beth Phoenix, and Alicia Fox
Quick take: Melina and Beth rocked it. And rocked it hard. The Bellas are either growing on me slowly, or grating on me. I don’t know which.

* A Rey Mysterio vs Batista video package
Quick take: A bit overhyped, but I am still looking forward to it.

* Eric Escobar (with Vickie Guerrero) d. Jimmy Wang Yang by pinfall
- Before the match, Vickie comes out to formally introduce Escobar.
- Escobar beats Jimmy with a running dropkick type maneuver.
- After the match, Escobar and Vickie make out.
Quick take: Escobar sucks.

* Mark Henry d. Cody Rhodes by pinfall
- Henry wins with a World’s Strongest Slam
Quick take: Poor Cody.

Extended thoughts:

Ryder v Benjamin
- Ohhhh, radio…
- Marked again. 3 times this week!
- I want Ryder to be in my dark match SO BADLY. You have no idea.
- Nice heel reception for Ryder. Wasn’t expecting that, actually.
- Ryder’s purple tights are the best. The light blue clashes horribly, and I love it.
- Shelton has one of the better looking neckbreakers I’ve seen. Odd compliment?
- More shots of Rosa! But not too many. Let’s not get carried away.
- Shelton is absolutely dominating this match. He’s destined to lose.
- A kid yelled “HA HA” when Ryder fell to the outside. It was excellent.
- Heel in control after the commercial break alert!
- Rosa has one hell of a seductive smile.
- Rosa’s another classic case of, “You’re really pretty, but we have absolutely nothing for you. Go sit in a chair and look hot.” It’s an epidemic.
- Um, a phone in the ring? Really? This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.
- That was so damn stupid. Rosa would know better than to get in the ring. She was Beth’s intern! Jesus.

Ask the Divas
- Melina looked so damn hot in that segment. All she was wearing was a sweatshirt and top, but it was amazing. Melinaaaaa!

Escobar v Yang
- Essssscobar…
- ….is lame, and I’m not buying it. Sorry.
- “Eric Escobar is a valet.” Clever sign. Well done.
- Jimmy! Now there’s no doubt who’s winning.
- Hooray for squashes.
- Poor Jimmy.
- Remember when Jimmy was wrecking the cruiserweight division? Sigh.
- Hey, guess who’s bored? This guy right here.
- Let’s see if Eric has a finisher. Let’s go.
- Here we go.
- Running boot? Really? How original. Sigh.
- GROSS! No one wants to see Vickie make out with anybody. GUH.

Rhodes v Henry
- Well, this is awkward. We are VERY OBVIOUSLY back in MSG. So much for the air of “Yeah, this was all totally taped in the same place.”
- Chew that gum, Cody! CHEW IT!
- Cody’s about to get his ass kicked.
- I think Henry might eat him.
- Henry bores me so much. I can’t get ovet it.
- I feel so bad for Cody. So he has that going for him.
- You bet your ass the ref’s view was obstructed by Henry’s fat ass.
- Offense for Cody! He did it you guys!
- That didn’t last long. Game over, son.

Bottom line: 5.75/10. Nope. Not this week.

Weekly ECW Review: November 17, 2009

Remember kids: Do drugs, or everyone will think you’re a stuck up nerd!

* CM Punk is backstage. He remembers when he was on ECW, and has returned to the land he once conquered. He has a match tonight.
Quick take: Will never complain about a crossover to ECW. Hasn’t bothered me before.

* Zack Ryder and Rosa Mendes make their way to the ring. Ryder has come to officially introduce everyone to ECW’s newest Diva, Rosa Mendes. She’s changed his life. She compares his match last week to some experience in the mall she had. He is challenging Shelton Benjamin to another match tonight, and wants her in his corner. Out comes Shelton Benjamin. He accepts the challenge, but he’d rather make an advance toward Rosa. Shelton wants to wrestle now, but Ryder says he’s not ready. He then clubs Shelton with the mic, and runs off.
Quick take: Maybe this will culminate in a ladder match for her managerial services. It’s worked before, and why the hell not?

* The Hurricane d. Paul Burchill (with Katie Lea); The Burchills must leave ECW
- Hurricane wins with a top rope Eye of the Hurricane.
Quick take: Tremendous. Good sendoff for the Burchills. On to better things for both?

* ECW GM Tiffany is backstage. In comes CM Punk. Punk has a problem with her fondness for partying and drinking. She tells him to loosen up, and have fun.
Quick take: Punk missed a chance to make fun of her for being a vegan. Eat a Slim Jim right in front of her. It’s mean, AND makes a sponsor happy!

* Vance Archer d. Johnny Andrews by pinfall
- Archer wins with a reverse DDT.
Quick take: Whatever.

* Christian and Punk are backstage. Punk explains the straightedge lifestyle to Christian. Christian calls Punk a nerd.
Quick take: Great message. Hey kids, if you don’t drink or smoke or do drugs, you’re A NERD. It’s interesting no one thought Punk was a nerd when he was a face.

* CM Punk and William Regal d. ECW Champion Christian and R-Truth by pinfall
- Punk pins Christain after a Knee Trembler/Go to Sleep combo.
Quick take: Decent match. I wonder who will win in that match at Survivor Series. Really looking forward to it.

Extended thoughts:

Punk open
- OMG PUNK ON ECW! Ecstatic!
- Seriously. This has potential. Even if he’s just going to sing or dance.
- Give him a standing O!

Ryder, Mendes, and Benjamin
- Ohhhh, radio….
- Again, marked for it. Can’t help it folks.
- I wish Rosa could wrestle. She oozes sex when she walks, and it’s a real shame it doesn’t translate whatsoever in the ring.
- What is this going to develop into? Besides a headache for me.
- They’ve ruined the Zack Attack with this.
- God, someone shut her up.
- No, seriously. Someone stop her.
- Thanks Shelton.
- Get it, Shelton!
- Heh. “Tool” is a very underrated dig. I like it.
- What just happened? Are they wrestling or not?

Hurricane v Burchill
- Katie Lea! Hell. Yes.
- I wonder where both of these guys go from here. They’ve been pretty good foils for one another.
- Don’t know why, but I half expected one of those 30 second matches where the good guy catches the heel, and that’s that. Glad I was wrong.
- Hurricane should do all flying and power moves. Just for the hell of it.
- Helms Yeah!
- Wow. Burchill’s suplexes look so stiff. Hurricane down!
- Heel in control after the commercial break alert!
- That suplex looked even better in slo-mo.
- Whose initials are on Burchill’s black armband?
- I am surprised at how my enthusiasm for this match has drained as it goes on.
- The announcers calling everything “Hurri-” something hasn’t helped.
- Except hurricanrana, of course. That is acceptable.
- Nice roundhouse from Burchill.
- Hurricane kicked out of the finisher. Guess who’s winning.
- I feel like Burchill should kick out of one, too.
- And he did. Excellent. Good booking.
- Wow. What happened off the top rope? Looked dangerous. You ain’t kicking out of that, man.
- Great match. Good sendoff for the Burchills. Now, on to a real push (?).
- Na na na na. Na na na na. Hey, hey, hey…GOODBYE. Classic.

Tiffany and Punk
- Looking EXCELLENT, Tiffany. Damn!
- That’s the kind of talk that ruined me! Fuck you, Tiffany!
- Stay strong, Punk!

Archer squash
- This new guy does nothing for me. Doesn’t help that his finisher sucks. A reverse DDT? That’s the best they can do?
- Squashes no longer impress me like they once did. Unless you’re a monster like Umaga, I don’t see the point, really.
- Ooo. That facebuster throw Archer did was a MUCH better move. MUCH better.
- At least it was short.
- Is it just me, or does ths guy remind you of somebody? I can’t put my finger on it. I think it’s a reality show contestant.

Punk and Christian
- Christian takes the basic insults, and makes theme hilarious. Such a fan.

Punk/Regal v Christian/Truth
- Punk! Yes! Seriously looking forward to this.
- Give that man a standing O!
- Remember the Punk and Regal feud on Raw? That wasn’t that long ago, you know. Early this year, even. How quickly we forget.
- No Christian pop tonight. Shame, Philly. FOR SHAME.
- But you popped for R-Truth, didn’t you? SHEESH.
- Can’t deal with R-Truth live. Not looking forward to sitting through that entrance.
- Christian going after Regal in the beginning. Makes sense. That was quick.
- Regal’s scream after trading shoulder blocks with someone always gets me to pop for some reason.
- Poor Punk. Can’t even get the upper hand on R-Truth these days. Just sad. He could be a top heel if they’d let him. Even sadder, they kind of ARE letting him be a top heel, but heels ain’t winning in WWE at the moment.
- Christian and Punk is a matchup I’d like to see sometime. You know, with something on the line. Could be good, I think.
- We’ve got ourselves a breakdown now!
- Excellent. Punk picked up a win!
- Decent little match.
- Didn’t care for how Christian sold the GTS, but whatever.

Bottom line: 2 solid matches. 7.25/10

Weekly Raw Review: November 16, 2009

TOTALLY NOT GAY

Results:

* Luis Guzman is backstage with tonight’s guest host, Roddy Piper. Iron Sheik comes in, and they’re all talking. Sheik keeps yelling.
Quick take: Uh…right…

* The Miz d. MVP by pinfall to retain the United States Championship
- Miz wins with a Skull Crushing Finale.
Quick take: Like nearly every match tonight, a bit short, but still well done for the most part.

* Santino Marella d. Chavo Guerrero by pinfall
- Hornswoggle comes out, distracts Chavo, and Santino rolls him up for the win.
Quick take: Hating Hornswoggle. Hating all of New York’s teams.

* After the match, DX comes out. They’re in Madison Square Garden, and DX is in the house. They shill. At Survivor Series, they will make sure the WWE Championship will come to DX. No one and nothing can tear DX apart. They turn their attention to Hornswoggle. They will consider letting him be a member of DX. Triple H pedigrees Hornswoggle after the “Let’s get ready…” chant.
Quick take: Pedigree on the little dude! Ringside approved.

* A video package promoting the history of MSG and WWE airs.
Quick take: How can you not get chills? Even if it is Jay-Z.

* Backstage with Roddy Piper. Up comes Chris Jericho. Jericho wants Piper to show him some respect, and Piper blows his nose. He brings up Chris Masters, who pec dances to the Black Eyed Peas.
Quick take: HATE PEAS. HAAAAATE PEEEAAAAAS.

* Justin Roberts introduces the guest ring announcer for the match, Judah Friedlander.

* Melina d. Alicia Fox by pinfall in a Lumberjill match to retain the Divas Championship
- Melina wins with the Last Call.
- After the match, all the Lumberjills get in the match, and brawl.
Quick take: Short, but Melina-tacular.

* Justin Roberts introduces tonight’s guest host, Rowdy Roddy Piper. He goes over his history in the building of Madison Square Garden. He says he wants one more match with Vince McMahon. Out comes Vince McMahon, who takes some shots at Roddy’s appearance. He says he looks better than anyone he’s ever stepped in the ring with, and has beaten them all. He has officially retired from in-ring action. Piper challenges him again, and that match should be tonight.
Quick take: Even if it was pointless, the segment was still pretty awesome. Also, I think Roddy was a bit tipsy.

* Sheamus cuts a promo. He plans to annihilate anyone who steps in the ring with him. It’s an open challenge. No one comes out, so he takes out the timekeeper for no reason. He bicycle kicks Lawler for good measure.
Quick take: Sheamus. A ginger with a bad attitude.

* Matt Striker replaces Jerry Lawler on commentary.
Quick take: UPGRADE!

* Jack Swagger d. Evan Bourne by pinfall
- Swagger wins with the gutwrench powerbomb.
Quick take: Far too short. Still good for what it was.

* Roddy Piper is in the ring waiting for Vince McMahon. In his place comes Randy Orton. Orton gets on the mic and berates Piper before attacking him. Piper gets in a punch before Orton just pummels the bejeezus out of him. He sets up a point, but Kofi Kingston comes out to make the save. They brawl out in the crowd. Kofi is about to put Orton through a table when the refs stop him, but he fights em off, and does it anyway.
Quick take: I have no words. I ate up every second of that segment. Very, very well done.

* John Cena is backstage for a promo. He runs down his opponents and tag partner in the match tonight.
Quick take: Cena wants to be the next Rock SO BADLY.

* WWE Champion John Cena and World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker d. Unified WWE Tag Team Champions JeriShow and DX in a triple threat tag match
- Cena pins Triple H after an Attitude Adjustment.
- After the match, Taker hits Cena with a Tombstone Piledriver.
Quick take: Fun spotfest. I have to wonder now if Cena is losing his title. TRIPLE H NEVER JOBS. Don’t forget that.

Extended thoughts:

Opening
- You talk about clusterfucks. This is weird.
- Why is Luis Guzman here?
- Hey, an SNL parody. FUn.
- HEY! The new song sucks.

Miz v MVP
- Love the MSG feel. That’s an awesome stage.
- Before the match, Miz cuts a promo. He mentions the Yankees, and how they’re not true champions. He is because he’s the Miz, and he’s awesome.
- God. Fuck the Yankees.
- Miz is killing this promo.
- MVP? Disappointing.
- Yankees hat. Sigh.
- MVP getting an early advantage. Shock! Not.
- Damn, Miz. That was his head! Into the pole. Sheesh.
- They wouldn’t dare do a title change here. No way.
- Hey, ballin’ at The Garden. Not enough of that these days.
- Wow. Way to sell that boot, Miz!
- There we go. Well done, Miz.
- That ending felt a bit rushed to me, but I’ll take it.

Santino v Chavo
- That is shameless, Santino. Shameless!
- Rangers, Giants, Knicks? Holy crap, man.
- How many jerseys does this guy have on.
- Well, this is kinda stupid.
- Where’s Hornswoggle?
- There he is!
- Oh my god. That’s so STUPID.

DX
- Yay, DX!
- I will always mark for DX. Just how I roll.
- Where’d everybody go?
- Ah, I love shilling. Shilling is the best.
- I want Shawn to turn heel so badly. It’s not even funny.
- No. They cannot let Hornswoggle in.
- Okay. That’s enough of the crotch chopping little buddy.
- Are we really letting Hornswoggle do this?
- Oh no. He’s in the ring.
- THEY DID IT!
- Nice decal on the skinboard.
- Nice touch. Great segment.

MSG and WWE
- Why are we promoting Jay-Z? Is he there?
- Wrestling is ALL ABOUT history. What a cool video package.
- Too bad Jay-Z sucks.

Backstage
- I officially want to kill myself now.
- I think Jericho might want to, also.
- Oh God. The Peas are there? WWE officially sucks.

Melina v Fox
- Judah! Hell yes!
- Rock it out, Judah.
- No notes for Judah! Way to go!
- Melinaaaaaa. Alright.
- There is nothing appealing about Alicia Fox.
- SHUT THE FUCK UP, LAWLER.
- WHERE’S MARIA? This match doesn’t count.
- Catfight! Woot.
- That match was short as hell. Almost no point to it.

Piper and McMahon
- Soak in the reception, Roddy.
- ROH shirt alert!
- You tell that cameraman, Roddy!
- Are you drunk, Roddy? This is kinda weird.
- Someone cut Roddy’s mic! Like, now.
- Oooooo. Watch it, Roddy.
- Cheap shot at Hogan. I approve.
- WHAT? Tonight? Seriously?
- Vinny Mac v The Hot Rod. Hmmm.
- Huuuuuge pop for Vince! WOW!
- Oh god. The crowd going for “What?” Why? Why would you do that?
- C’mon, surprise appearance! COME ON!
- Huh. Well, I don’t see the point of all this. Like, at all.

Sheamus
- Oh boy. Sheamus. Hooray for squash matches.
- Time to bust out the shades.
- I mean seriously. Sheamus, would it kill you to go outside? Just once?
- Mark Henry is my guess.
- Aw, poor guy.
- Lawler! That was way overdue.
- Is he gonna finish the show OR GET DA FUGG OUT?

Swagger v Bourne
- The ladies love them some Evan.
- Commercial before match starts? Boo.
- Heel in control after the commercial break alert!
- Swagger has got it. He just has it. Right balance of technical prowess and power. I’m a huge fan, and await the Swagger era with bated breath.
- GUTWRENCH! BAM!

Orton and Kofi
- YES.
- This will be so much better. Go Orton.
- GIT ‘IM!
- This is pretty cool.
- I like this new rivalry that came out of nowhere.
- This has been going way longer than I expected.
- Now we’re back in the crowd.
- Where’s Legacy for back up? Come on?
- ORTON IS BUSTED OPEN! YES!
- AWESOME!
- AWESOME!

Main event
- How did Big Show get through that opening?
- Hey, it’s 11, and Taker’s not even here yet.
- Wow, we’re busting out the druids? Jesus.
- Someone needs to tell Show he’s not actually a boxer.
- 3 people in the ring? What?
- WALLS!
- This has been a fun spotfest.
- Boos for Cena. Haha.
- Wow. Show NEVER hits the double Chokeslam.
- HBK! HBK! Go Shawn.
- Spotfest! WOOOOO!

Bottom line: 7.75/10. Dragged in some places, but nothing adds luster to an event like MSG, and the Orton/Kofi segment was some classic shit.

Weekly SmackDown Review: November 13, 2009

Jericho calls Taker a hypocrite to add insult to injury

Results:

* CM Punk d. R-Truth by pinfall
- Before the match, Punk cuts a promo. The United Kingdom used to rule half the planet, and they’ve fallen so far, tucked away in pubs. We need someone as preachy as him to preach the proper way to live, and we should aspire to be as great as him. He is the choice of a new generation. He is CM Punk. Truth also cuts a promo, and he has a complaint against Punk. Punk has been impersonating a man. He’s going to put this punk in his place.
- Punk reverses a sunset flip, and grabs the ropes on a pin attempt unbeknownst to the official.
quick take: Ended up being a decent match, and Punk lit it up on the mic to boot.

* Mickie James is backstage. Layla comes up, and tells her to leave.

* Natalya d. Mickie James by submission
- During the match, Michelle McCool and Layla come down the ring. They have some of Mickie’s clothes, and begin to cut them. Natalya gets the opening, and puts Mickie in the Sharpshooter. Mickie taps.
Quick take: Natalya wrestled. I’m satisfied.

* Josh Matthews is backstage with Intercontinental Champion Josh Matthews. How does Morrison feel heading into his match with Dolph Ziggler? He doesn’t think Dolph can handle the pressure.

* Drew McIntyre vs Finlay ends in a double disqualification
- Before the match, McIntyre grabs the mic. He hasn’t let Finlay in the ring because Finlay’s not worthy to wrestle him.
- The ref calls for the bell when neither Superstar responds to his rules.
- After the match, McIntyre hits Finlay with the shillelagh. Not satisfied, he hits Finlay again.
Quick take: I don’t see it yet with McIntyre, but he might get there.

* Matt Striker is in the ring for the contract signing between Rey Mysterio and Batista. Batista has something else for Rey to sign. It’s a “Hold Harmless” agreement, which means Batista can’t be held legally responsible for what happens to Rey. Rey refuses to sign. Batista threatens to embarrass him if he doesn’t sign, and Rey signs. Rey says Batista will be the one to get embarrassed at Survivor Series, and flips the table onto Batista.
Quick take: That segment went from bad to memorable really quickly. Rey has finally shown up for the feud.

* John Morrison vs Dolph Ziggler for the Intercontinental Championship ends in a double countout; Morrison retains
- Both men get on the top rope, and tumble to the outside. Neither can beat the count back in.
Quick take: Great match. Disappointed by the ending. Looking forward to 2 out of 3 falls next week.

* Beth Phoenix d. Lisa Taylor by pinfall
- Beth ends the squash with a Glam Slam.
Quick take: I can’t stress this enough: Beth’s rack looked GIGANTIC.

* Chris Jericho is backstage, getting ready. In comes Josh Matthews asking about his match with The Undertaker. We’ve all been waiting for Taker-Jericho, and tonight, we’re gonna get it.

* World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker d. WWE Unified Tag Team Champion Chris Jericho by submssion in a non-title match
- Jericho taps to Hell’s Gate.
- After the match, Big Show comes out. JeriShow gangs up on Taker, and beat him down. Kane comes to the rescue.
Quick take: Awesome. Wish it had meant something, but still a good match.

* Mr. McMahon is backstage. He books Brothers of Destruction vs JeriShow for next week on SmackDown.

Extended thoughts:

Punk v Truth
- Love that heel reception for Punk. He has arrived. Too bad he’s gone from main event to curtain jerker in one fell swoop. What happened?
- I love how alcohol always get a pop.
- Dipping tobacco IS SERIOUSLY DISGUSTING.
- Punk rocking the beard. ME TOO!
- What is up, Punk? Straightedge? I see.
- Gawwwwwwd. I HATE R-TRUTH.
- He called him a Punk. GET IT?
- Punk turning into one of those guys who goes for the finisher early. Sigh.
- Pull your pants up, Truth.
- Truth took a nasty spill off the top rope there.
- Indian deathlock!
- A very faint “CM Punk” chant there. Died off suddenly. Almost too suddenly…
- Punk might be suited to dropping the springboard clothesline. He slips most every time he goes for it.
- We know what the “X”s mean, Striker. But do you know the origin?
- Dammit, Punk. Don’t taunt when you’ve got em up.

Mickie v Natalya
- Were we supposed to see Michelle in the background there? I guess so.
- Striker called Mickie buoyant. That made my year.
- Ah, Mickie. Big fan.
- Hey, Natalya’s gonna wrestle!
- Why didn’t Natalya get an entrance?
- See, Kelly? That’s how you execute a cartwheel in the ring.
- WHAT A DROPKICK. Damn, Mickie.
- Watch the hair! Poor Mickie.
- Jesus. The Romero Special. That’s intense stuff.
- The Mickiecanrana. I popped.
- You know Mickie has strong inner thighs.
- You can also tell Matt Striker wants to do nothing more than bang the crap out of Mickie James.
- Such bitchy tactics. Poor Mickie.

Matthews and Morrison
- Matthews stinks.
- Morrison was alright.
- He doesn’t have a powerful voice, though.
- Yay, UK references.

McIntyre v Finlay
- Finlay is the Superstar most in need of a new theme.
- Drew’s finally in a match. How about that.
- Take it to him, Finlay. About time he showed that real mean streak.
- “Drew McIntyre: Ruining Parties Since 1985”. Hahahha.
- What a stupid match.
- Seriously. Really stupid.
- Sell those shillelagh shots, Finlay. You look like you’re dying.
- Maybe they’ll replace him on the Survivor Series team.
- Perhaps Finlay is hanging up the boots. Hmm.

Contract signing
- I hate contract signing segments. They’re so forced.
- Beer Money sign! Beer Money sign!
- Real classic segment here so far. A lot going on.
- This is SO BORING. SmackDown used to not do this stuff.
- There, they signed it. Let’s move on.
- Alright, this picked up a little bit.
- “Goofy little mask?” GOOFY? That’s no insult.
- THERE WE GO. FINALLY REY SHOWS SOME COJONES.
- I was shitting on this segment, now I love it. Go figure, right?

Morrison v Ziggler
- Good opening series of moves.
- Ziggler has been really impressing me lately. Does he have it? I don’t know, but it looks promising.
- Bridge that shit, Dolph. GET IT.
- Wow. Morrison bounced in the corner. That looked bad.
- Jeff took some spills like that once upon a time.
- Ziggler pulling out Steiner’s “HUH?” routine. Nice.
- X FACTOR! BAM!
- Pele Kick!
- So the ref catches Dolph cheating? Riiiight.
- They’re both on the top rope. This means dooooom.
- OH SHIT. They’re both down! Yikes.
- I smell a double countout a-comin’.
- Yup. Sigh.
- All these bullshit endings lately. What’s going on?

Phoenix v local
- Another Beth squash! Yay!
- Holy shit. Her boobs look GIGANTIC in that top. I APPROVE.
- Does Beth really need to be built this way?
- Tree of woe neckbreaker! Damn!

Jericho v Taker
- Jericho is the best. Pure and simple.
- Here we go!
- Why are they just giving this away like this? This is ‘Mania worthy, in my opinion.
- Naturally, Jericho getting his ass kicked in the early going. I expected nothing less.
- Taker is slowly regaining his old form in the ring. Good. Creaky Taker was upsetting for me.
- OLD SKEWL.
- Jericho with the counter. Neato! I just said neato!
- Heel in control after the commercial break alert!
- At least this wasn’t a squash match.
- I’m bored, yet entertained. This has been slow, but both these guys are keeping me in it somehow. It’s an odd feeling.
- Who the hell is Jedward? Why are they so many signs for him?
- LAST RIDE. CODEBREAKER! HNFHJNLGEDjgld
- COVER! COVER!
- Dammit, Chris. You took too long.
- OH SHIT. Steal that taunt, yo.
- Oh, Chris. Tsk.
- Landed high on that Lionsault. Yikes.
- HE SAT UP. I still mark for it.
- WOW. He reversed a Chokeslam, too!
- THE WALLS! THE WALLS!
- Hell’s Gate. Sayonara, Jericho. Yup.
- Like I said, not a squash. It had that going for it.
- Quite a double team submission.
- WHAAAAA? KANE? I is confused.
- JeriShow v Brothers of Destruction. Hell. Yes.

Bottom line: 8.25/10

WWE Tonight

Friday Night SmackDown 8PM EST myNetworkTV

* Unified WWE Tag Team Champion Chris Jericho vs World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker in a non-title match

FOR FREE!?!?!?!?!?

* Intercontinental Championship: Abs (c) vs Jaw

Weekly Superstars Review: November 12, 2009

Baaaaaaalll and chain. No, that pun failed. It failed hard.

Results:

* Matt Hardy d. DH Smith (with Natalya and Tyson Kidd) by pinfall
- During the match, the official ejects Kidd and Natalya. Smith is distracted, and gets rolled up from behind.
Quick take: The first of 3 lame endings on the night. I didn’t care for this bout.

* Ask the Divas featuring Eve, Natalya, Melina, Michelle McCool, Maria, The Bellas, Beth Phoenix, and Gail Kim.

* Shelton Benjamin d. Zack Ryder (with Rosa Mendes) by countout
- Ryder goes to the outiside, where he’s distracted by Rosa. He loses track, and can’t beat the count back in the ring. Shelton hits him with a Paydirt anyway.
Quick take: What to do with ECW? No one cares.

* Sheamus video promo

* Josh Matthews is backstage with Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase. He asks about what they said in the VIP Lounge. They stand behind what they said, and think MVP is bound to lose tonight.
Quick take: Rhodes and DiBiase worked that one. I’m impressed.

* MVP (with Mark Henry) d. Ted DiBiase (with Cody Rhodes) by pinfall
- MVP catches DiBiase in a cradle.
Quick take: Not bad. I don’t see why Legacy seems to not be allowed to win all of a sudden.

Extended thoughts:

Smith v Hardy
- Came in on this about 10 minutes in. My beef.
- Horrendous moonsault from Matt. Totally missed. Cut it out of your moveset.
- Was that a neckbreaker or Side Effect? Couldn’t quite tell.
- Matt looks real old these days. I think he’s losing hair.
- Ah, there’s the Side Effect. The other thing must have been a neckbreaker.
- Nice big boot from Smith. Ugly.
- Ugh. What a weaksauce ending.
- That could have been better than it was.
- THe Hart Dynasty has become the Job Dynasty.

Divas
- Eeeeeeeeeve!
- MARIIIIIIIAAAAA!

Ryder v Benjamin
- Ohhhhh, radio…
- I mark for the song, I really do.
- I don’t know if I see the point begind a Ryder and Rosa pairing, but I won’t complain.
- Benjamin and Ryder is a matchup I wish meant more in the grand scheme of things.
- I guess Rosa’s on ECW because everyone realized she can’t do a thing inside the ring.
- Hmmm. I know it’s bad, but I have little to no patience for the wearing ‘em down game. Especially not in these short matches.
- Leg lariat! Most excellent.
- Crossface?
- Shelton isn’t big, but I’d buy him as a powerhouse. I don’t know why.
- Ryder’s half tights are just distracting. Great, but distracting.

Sheamus
- TAN YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

Legacy promo
- That was some of the best promo work they’ve done.
- Ted is totally ballin’.

MVP v DiBiase
- Ah, Legacy. I still am not certain if they can stand on their own without Orton or not. I am disappointed they haven’t explored the in-group tension, though.
- MVP got saddled with Henry. I still am not over the injustice.
- Remember when MVP debuted on Raw against Orton? What happened to that momentum?
- Nice design on Ted’s trunks. I like the color scheme.
- Oh, King. Stop ogling the Divas. You’re 98. It’s beyond creepy.
- What happened to the crowd? They have disappeared during this one.
- MVP with a dive. He’s been doing that more often lately.
- What a random cut-in from break.
- Take that, chair! TED HAS NO TIME FOR YOU.
- Here comes the crowd. MVP is an easy chant. Of course they’re chanting.
- Ted’s shrug taunt is pretty good.
- Ah, Cody! Heel tactics! Run away from Kool Aid Man!
- Would it kill them to let Ted or Cody win a match?
- Cole just let out the girliest laugh I’ve heard from him.
- Sell that arm drag, Ted. Sell it like a finisher.
- Here comes the elbow drop. Sigh.
- Playmaker reversed. Didn’t see that coming.
- Shocked DiBiase kicked out of the big boot.
- Henry almost dropped Cody. Gotta watch out.
- A cradle? Are you fucking serious? REALLY?
- 3 bullshit endings in one episode. SO PISSED.

Bottom line: 5.5/10

Weekly ECW Review: November 10, 2009

Bob your head!

Results:

* “The Abraham Washington Show” with special guest Yoshi Tatsu.
Quick take: I’d say more, but I was busy banging my head on my desk.

* Goldust d. Paul Burchill (with Katie Lea) by pinfall
- During the match, Hurricane comes out to distract Burchill. This allows Goldust to hit the Final Cut, and beat Burchill.
Quick take: Not bad. I hope Burchill wins next week, actually. ECW needs a fresh main event heel.

* Zack Ryder is backstage. Rosa Mendes comes up. Ryder flirts with her. He then daydreams about being her boyfriend.
Quick take: I don’t know why I find these vignettes amusing. I know they’re not.

* William Regal and ECW GM Tiffany are backstage. Regal gloats about getting what he wanted without her consent.
Quick take: The cast seems to suit her.

* Vance Archer d. Jason Blackwell by pinfall
- Archer ends the squash match with a reverse DDT.
Quick take: I have no patience for squashes. They’re just a waste.

* Christian d. William Regal by pinfall to retain the ECW Championship
- Christian wins with his 2nd Killswitch of the match.
Quick take: Solid showing. Almost wish Regal had won in front of his home crowd. Almost.

Extended thoughts:

Washington
- Oh good God. A bad segment starring a guy who hasn’t been allowed to speak English yet? This has trainwreck written all over it.
- Why unleash this on the UK?
- I can’t believe they haven’t given up on this yet.
- The British have bad teeth jokes? Really? That’s nowhere near original.
- Atlas’ laugh will continue to haunt me in my sleep.
- Yoshi continues to get decent pops everywhere. I guess I just don’t get it, and I’m alone in that.
- He can speak English. Alright.
- “You’re welcome” would be the best way to make him stop saying “Thank you.” Well played.
- “Rush Hour” rip off. Fun.
- Come to think of it, Washington does kinda sound like Chris Tucker.
- Shit, I laughed. Son of a bitch.
- Thank God for abrupt endings. It’s over. It’s over.

Burchill v Goldust
- Ah, Katie. I approve.
- No hometown pop?
- How is Goldust related to Cody? Or even Dusty? I do not understand what happened.
- Who else uses their ass as a weapon like that?
- Sell it, Goldust.
- I’ve never seen Burchill get this much offense in. And not lose. There’s that.
- Burchill barely reversed that bulldog. Wasn’t even convinced he did.
- ZOMG HURRICANE.
- Of course Burchill lost. Why wouldn’t he?

Ryder and Rosa
- Wow. Rosa. Yes.
- WOO WOO WOO. You KNOW it.
- New couple? I don’t know, guys.
- Again, Ryder has some seriously tame fantasies.
- Like, I would dream about doing her. Just saying.

Regal and Tiffany
- Wow, Tiffany. Looking awesome tonight.
- The cast suits you well.
- Regal called himself a god. Almost. Cool.

Squash
- Great, a squash match. Just what I wanted.
- I love the hometown scrubs. Everyone knows they won’t win, but they cheer anyway.
- Worst cut away promo EVER. Just TERRIBLE.
- Well, that was a waste of time. Hope the main event makes up for it.

Christian v Regal
- Nice hometown pop for Regal. That’s just great.
- Soak it in, Sir William. That’s awesome.
- Crowd seems like it’s on for this one. Good.
- Boo. Not a thing happened before the first commercial break. I hate that.
- Christian still gets decent height on that baseball slide of his.
- And now Regal takes control as the crowd goes up a notch. I love it.
- I heard them communicating! “Let me up,” said Christian.
- 50/50 split at first, but the longer it goes, the more get behind ol Bill.
- Knew there’d be a second commercial break. I’ve been watching too long.
- Oof. Exploder suplex on the outside. Not a good way to land.
- I was looking forward to this, but I’m kinda bored now. I don’t have the patience for this grinding down stuff if the crowd loses interest, and they have.
- Sick half nelson suplex from Regal.
- Killswitch! But no cover. I smell a kickout.
- I reek of awesomeness.
- Crowd loved that kickout. They want Regal to win this now.
- Can’t win the belt on a countout, Regal. You know that.
- Crowd has officially turned on Christian.
- Knee trembler! Oh wait!
- Oh wow. Christian kicked out. Kinda stunned, actually.
- REGAL STRETCH!
- This. Is wrestling.
- 2nd Killswitch. That’ll do it.
- Yup.
- Good match. Good showing from both.

Bottom line: 5.75/10. The main event was good, but the rest? Not so much.

WWE Tonight

ECW 10PM EST Syfy

* ECW Championship: Christian (c) vs William Regal

* The Hurricane vs Paul Burchill; if Burchill wins, Hurricane must unmask, and if Hurricane wins, the Burchills must leave ECW

Weekly Raw Review: November 9, 2009

An RKO on the Kool Aid man

So I’m combining both styles of review in one frankenstein-type deal. Figures I’d pick a week when I don’t have much to say because it was so lousy. Oh well.

Results:

* Justin Roberts introduces tonight’s guest host, Ricky Hatton. He welcomes everyone to Raw. They show some clips from his boxing career. Out comes JeriShow. Show says he’s knocked a lot of people out, too, and asks Hatton to leave the ring. Hatton says he’s a big fan of Show, especially when Mayweather knocked him out. Show gives Hatton a free shot. Jericho stops him. Jericho says he has enough on his plate with the triple threat at Survivor Series. Now they’re arguing over who’s gonna win. Hatton makes a match for tonight, JeriShow vs DX. Jericho goes off on the United Kingdom. Out comes DX. Triple H asks why JeriShow keeps making the same mistake of interrupting the guest hosts every week. Shawn wants to take care of business right now, and socks Jericho. Hatton and DX face down Big Show. He leaves.
Quick take: Hatton did a good job as host. The failure of this episode is not on him at all.

* Alicia Fox (with Jillian) d. Kelly Kelly (with Gail Kim) by pinfall
- Alicia wins with a hotshot, and an axe kick.
Quick take: Horrendous.

* Ricky Hatton is backstage with his son and John Cena. Cena says Hatton is doing a good job, but feels left out. Hatton says Cena will do guest commentary for the main event.
Quick take: Was that Hatton’s kid? Never explained who the kid was. I was confused.

* Sheamus d. local jobber by pinfall
- Before the match, Sheamus says he’s gonna make this Englishman look like a fool, just like the Irish always do.
- Typical squash. Sheamus wins with a crucifix powerbomb.
Quick take: Sheamus works stiff. Don’t think that’ll sit well with Hunter.

* Hatton is backstage with the Bella Twins. They ask what he’s been up to, and he plugs all his recent projects. Santino Marella comes in. Tonight, though, he is Ricky “Fatton.” Enter Chavo Guerrero. Chavo challenges Hatton to a game of darts. Chavo, of course, sucks. Chavo challenges Santino to a match. Hatton steps in and challenges Chavo to a match, boxer vs wrestler.
Quick take: Odd. Chavo is better than this. Santino continues to annoy. The Bellas continue to be hot if nothing else.

* Josh Matthews is backstage with US Champion The Miz. Matthews asks why Miz thinks his team can beat Morrison’s team. Miz beat Morrison at Bragging Rights, and plans to do it again. In comes Jack Swagger. Swagger says he’s going to pull the weight for their team. He has a match against Evan Bourne tonight.
Quick take: That was tremendous. The two of them bounce off each other well, just like Miz and Morrison did back in the day.

* Evan Bourne d. Jack Swagger by pinfall
- During the match, The Miz comes out. It’s enough of a distraction to allow Bourne to hit Air Bourne, and beat Swagger.
Quick take: So much for the winning streak. At least Evan’s doing something these days.

* MVP’s VIP Lounge with guests Mark Henry and Kofi Kingston. It’s a mutual admiration society. Out comes Legacy. Orton doesn’t like any of them. Legacy knocks the lounge. Kofi slaps Orton across the face.
Quick take: Kofi’s slap ruined the whole thing.

* Randy Orton (with Legacy) d. Mark Henry (with MVP and Kofi Kingston) by pinfall
- Orton hits an RKO out of nowhere for the win.
- After the match, Kofi checks on Henry, and trades punches with Orton.
Quick take: Lose some weight, Mark. Hell of an RKO, though.

* Ricky Hatton d. Chavo Guerrero by knockout in an “MMA match”
- Hatton catches Chavo with a right cross, and Chavo’s done.
Quick take: What a waste of my time.

* John Cena is backstage, lecturing Hornswoggle about the whole DX apparel thing. DX wants to know where Hornswoggle is as he’s run off before DX entered the room. They talk about the upcoming triple threat match. Hornswoggle comes back in, dressed like Cena.
Quick take: I thought it was funny. I like those 3 guys even if not many do.

* Roddy Piper will gost Raw next week.

* DX d. JeriShow by pinfall
- John Cena was on guest commentary.
- HBK pins Jericho after Big Show accidentally hits him with a KO Punch.
- After the match, they announce that the Raw main event next week will be DX vs JeriShow vs John Cena and The Undertaker. Taker even makes a cameo.
Quick take: Not a bad main event. Cena held his own on commentary. The build up for Series has been pretty good.

Extended thoughts:

Opening
- Chicks in boxing gear. YES. This demands a photoset.
- Most of them love Hatton. Must be nice.
- Happy birthday, Jericho!
- Now that’s a strong accent.
- Weeeeeellllll…
- You know something’s going down when JeriShow interrupts a guest host. Predictable, but awesome.
- Big Show and a boxer. Good God this brings back memories.
- Don’t do it, Show! This ended badly once!
- HA! Jericho called him little man. They’re totally the same height.
- DX pop! Cripes.
- Hunter has a point, they always do it, and always lose.
- Mr. BEAN! HAHAHHAHA
- Awwww. BOOOOOOOOOO. Boo, Big Show, BOO.

Fox v Kelly
- Aw, Kelly Kelly. Can’t hate, can’t hate.
- What’s Gail doing there?
- Seriously, Alicia Fox has THE WORST SONG.
- Diva face off. Hawt.
- Watch the hair!
- I wonder what Kelly’s natural hair color is. And skin color, for that matter.
- “Attitude? She has one.” - Michael Cole. Dude, STFU.
- I get too much enjoyment out of Kelly’s headscissors.
- Um, what was that? Kelly hit her finisher, and…um…what.
- Bo. Ring. Hor. Rible.

Sheamus
- YOU ARE SO GD PALE.
- So stiff, Sheamus. Jesus. Tone it down, pal.
- Crowd’s dead. How fun.
- Razor’s Edge! Woot.

Ricky Fatton and darts
- Okay, I’m super attracted to the Bellas lately.
- Hey, “Fatton” ain’t clever.
- Ugh. Chavo sucks at EVERYTHING.

Miz and Swagger
- He’s the Miz, and he’s awesome.
- Swagger’s awesome.
- The comedy stylings of Miz and Swagger. YES.

Bourne v Swagger
- Evan’s pop continues to get smaller. They need to give him something to do.
- Swagger + pyro is a great combination.
- DAMN! He just planted Bourne like nobody’s business.
- Evan Bourne is like Spongebob. He could fight himself, and lose.
- Cocky pushups! Not to be confused with cock pushups.
- Cross body to the back. That’s different.
- Wow. So much for Swagger’s streak.
- Can’t help but root for Evan.

VIP Lounge
- This crowd is kinda dead, but I can’t blame them. Not much to cheer for so far.
- Raw suffers when it tapes overseas. When it’s not live, it just feels off.
- I prefer Kofi without the accent. I can take him seriously.
- OH SHIT! We poppin’ bottles!
- They kinda have to be careful with the white vs black thing.
- Crowd’s chanting for Kofi. That’s good.

Orton v Henry
- Yeah right, Orton. You ain’t picking Henry up.
- Henry should shave. I just want to see what he’d look like.
- Henry’s just fat. I can’t deal with it.
- I like Orton’s knee drop. It’s about an athletic a move as there is.
- I can’t deal with how bad Cole and Lawler have been, either. This was taped, couldn’t they have fixed it?
- Rest Hold Randy strikes again.
- I feel bad that Orton has to sell for this tub. He’s better than this.
- Sunset flip, Randy? Really?
- RKO! HOLY SHIT!
- That was totally worth it.

Hatton v Guerrero
- What the hell is Hatton wearing? I don’t follow boxing.
- An MMA match. Interesting.
- You can get knighted for boxing?
- Chavo can win one way, but Hatton has to win in another? Weird, just weird.
- Poor Chavo.
- Chavo seriously needs to quit. This is disgraceful.

Cena and DX
- Twitter jokes! Yay!
- I can’t get enough of DX and Cena. I know it’s just me. Whatever.
- Okay, I giggled. Fuck off.

Piper
- AWESOME.

DX v JeriShow
- Happy birthday, Jericho (again). As a present: JOB!
- Glad the old DX entrance is back. The newer, HD version didn’t do it for me.
- 2nd DX pop of the night!
- Love seeing Jericho and HBK square off. It’s never boring.
- That was a fast cut to commercial. Homestretch time!
- Heels in control after th commercial break alert!
- How is HBK not dead? Show stepped on his damn throat.
- Big Show picks you up, that’s a loooooong way to fall.
- Cena’s doing a decent job on commentary.
- Come on Cole and King, ask Cena how he feels about being booed. Be somebody.
- Big Show’s spear has to hurt.
- Cena must be a few thousand in the hole if he bets on Show in big match situations.
- Jericho yelling at the commentators is the best.
- Shawn wants a hot tag! GIVE IT TO HIM.
- Vintage Shawn Michaels. Of course it is.
- Oopsie! Lights out, Jericho.
- Happy birthday!
- OMG GONG!
- Taker cameo on Raw. Pretty cool.

Bottom line: SIGH. 4/10

WWE Tonight

Monday Night Raw 9PM EST USA Network

from the United Kingdom

* Professional boxer Ricky “Hitman” Hatton hosts