Weekly ECW Review: September 29, 2009
ECW: If a new #1 contender ascends to the top, and no one sees it, did it really happen?
Results:
* William Regal is backstage, and informs us that ECW GM Tiffany was involved in a car accident. She won’t be at ECW tonight. He is interim GM. He makes a new main event for tonight. ECW Champion Christian vs Zack Ryder and the Ruthless Roundtable in a 4-on-1 handicap match.
* “The Abraham Washington Show” with special guest Intercontinental Champion John Morrison. Dolph Ziggler interrupts the proceedings. Morrison calls him “Mr. Ziggles,” and everyone walks off before Ziggler can say or do anything.
* Zack Ryder comes into the GM office. He wants the match with Christian to be changed back to a 1-on-1. Regal says the board of directors has changed the match to an 8-man tag. It will be Ryder and The Ruthless Roundtable vs Christian, Yoshi Tatsu, Tommy Dreamer, and Goldust.
* Shelton Benjamin d. Paul Burchill (with Katie Lea) by pinfall
- Sheamus jumps Shelton during his entrance, but Shelton wrestles anyway.
- Shelton wins with Paydirt.
* A John Cena vs Randy Orton video package plays
* Christian and Tommy Dreamer are backstage. Christian says they’re about to go to war. Yoshi’s there, too. Christian tells him to step up tonight. He steps up to Goldust, and calls him a freak, but an important part of the team.
* ECW Champion Christian, Tommy Dreamer, Yoshi Tatsu, and Goldust d. Zack Ryder and The Ruthless Roundtable by pinfall
- Tatsu pins Regal after a roundhouse kick.
My thoughts:
Regal interim GM
- Tiffany! Is she going to be okay? I’ll volunteer to be her personal assistant.
- I see he’ll name himself #1 contender.
- Dick move, dude.
- Guess Tiffany’s not working out, then. Too bad. She was cute.
Abraham Washington Show
- Oh, God.
- Morrison? Well, that shouldn’t be awful, right?
- I can’t believe they’re sticking with this.
- “Extravaganza” is a good word. You don’t hear it enough.
- New shirt! Whee.
- Morrison doesn’t really lend himself to insults, does he?
- Cheap plug alert!
- Compliment the laugh. Good move. It’s the best part.
- Tony Atlas has a spot-on Miz impression. Why am I laughing so hard?
- Pink on the vest, Ziggles? Not a good look, man.
- SmackDown has invaded ECW. It’s that good.
- Mr. Ziggles!
- Atlas botched the last line.
- Ziggler is getting his ass kicked in this feud, and they haven’t even faced off yet.
Backstage
- WOO WOO WOO! You know it.
- We’re really pushing Yoshi, huh?
Benjamin v Burchill
- KATIE LEA! Uh-May-Zing.
- Seriously. I LOVE that outfit.
- A pop for Shelton.
- This match could be interesting.
- Guess Shelton’s straddling the tweener line for now.
- Oh, we aren’t gonna see it.
- What a waste of the Burchills, Sheamus, AND Shelton. Wow.
- Oh, we’re going. I’m in shock. Go Shelton!
- We’re not really getting this match, but at least it wasn’t simply a segment.
- This makes Shelton a true face. Interesting.
- Wow. This match is getting a commercial break?
- Katie Lea’s evil smile is just FANTASTIC.
- She’s one hell of a manager, but like Natalya, I wish they’d push her as a wrestler, too.
- Hell in control after the commercial break alert!
- More close-ups of Katie Lea, please. MOAR!
- Shelton is really taking a pounding in this match. Any offense for him?
- Burchill almost has to win here. If he loses to an extremely weakened Shelton, it does him no good.
- Shelton’s foot hit early on the back suplex. Looked bad.
- Wicked running elbow from Burchill. Looked nasty.
- Shocked Shelton kicked out of the missed blockbuster/knee drop.
- PAYDIRT! OUT OF NOWHERE!
- Cool finish. Still, did Burchill NO favors.
Cena-Orton
- Seriously? I guess it’s better than a Raw Rebound.
- I feel like Breaking Point was yesterday. Too many PPV shows.
Team Christian
- Ha, he’s Asian. That was funny. Christian rules.
- Christian’s the best.
- HA! Mocking Goldust’s Tourette’s.
Christian/Dreamer/Tatsu/Goldust v Ryder/Regal/Jackson/Kozlov
- Ruthless Roundtable has got to be the worst name for a stable in just about ever.
- OH, RADIO…
- I belt this song out every time. Can’t get enough.
- Woo. Woo. Woo.
- Yoshi’s song is the worst. Well, Alicia Fox’s might be worse, but it’s in contention.
- Striker pulled that Christopher Walken impression out of nowhere.
- Was Yoshi a big star in Japan? I feel bad because I don’t like his style one bit.
- Jackson’s one intense dude.
- Sidewalk/Reverse DDT!
- Odd time for a commercial break.
- Heels in control after the commercial break alert!
- Who decided to call Jackson “The Prophet of Doom”? That makes no sense.
- Oh wait. His name’s Ezekiel. I guess it kinda makes sense.
- Low bridge! Christian went flying.
- Looked like Zeke almost lost Christian on that delayed suplex.
- Where is Striker getting these nicknames from?
- Fallway into enemy territory.
- Hot tag to…Yoshi?
- Things are breaking down now. Here comes the finish.
- Yoshi?
- YOSHI?
- We’re REALLY pushing Yoshi I see. I wonder why.
2 really solid matches, and some interesting changes on the horizon for ECW. I said interesting, not good. 6.75/10
Reviews for the new DX paperback book
“With all due respect to the Bible, this is the greatest story ever told! (Sorry, Shawn.)” - TRIPLE H
“I laughed; I cried; I ran out and bought copies for all friends and family — the must-read book of the century!” - SHAWN MICHAELS
“A complex tale of redemption featuring a pair of modern American heroes embarking on a Homeric journey of self-discovery through an Orwellian dystopia. Oh, and male cheerleaders, too.” - PAUL LEVESQUE
“If you believe in the magic of Harry Potter — well, D-X could make his wand disappear by shoving it up his…[rest of quote is censored]!” - THE HEARTBREAK KID
“With the diet secrets contained in this book, I managed to lose 250 pounds.” - BIG SHOW
“Pretty good — but my dad says I’m just as cool as D-Generation X.” - SHANE McMAHON
“Truly, D-Generation X is the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be!” - ANONYMOUS CANADIAN WRESTLING LEGEND
DX, Cena, and Jim Ross do the T.Lo dance
via Helms’ Twitter
The Wrestling Observer is reporting that the WWE creative team is not happy with how the Hell in a Cell PPV concept is fleshing out. Creative is reportedly not in favor of there being three Hell in a Cell matches at the PPV, and since blood is not allowed in any of the matches, officials are having a difficult time laying out how the matches will play out.
Additionally, it’s being said that the talent is not happy with the concept either, with certain veteran talents upset that there are too many cell matches on the show which will steal focus from one another.
At this point, WWE is toying with the idea of making the Triple Threat US Title match a Ladder Match, however that idea might be scrapped given the fact that they just had a TLC match on PPV and are going to hold a TLC themed PPV in December.
*********************************************************
Who thought it was a good idea? No blood in a Cell match? Pshaw. One Cell match a year is good enough, I can’t fathom sitting through three in one night.
In other news, PLEASE make that a ladder match! That would actually be something I’d want to see.
Weekly SmackDown Review: September 25, 2009
Impromptu dental cleaning
Results:
* World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk makes his way to the ring. Punk again insults the audience and their abuse of substances. He lists out his accomplishments. He is the face of SmackDown, the poster boy for WWE, and the choice of a new generation. He demands another challenger. The druids appear, bearing a coffin. Punk opens the coffin to reveal GM Teddy Long, who is all bound up. Punk gets Long out of the coffin, and rolls him into the ring. Long announces Punk vs Undertaker at Hell in a Cell, and the Hell’s Gate submission hold is no longer banned. In addition, Punk and Undertaker will face off tonight in a non-title match.
* Intercontinental Champion John Morrison and Finlay d. Mike Knox and Dolph Ziggler by pinfall
- Morrison pins Knox after a shillelagh shot from Finlay and Starship Pain for good measure.
* Cryme Tyme, Eve, and Slam Master J are backstage. Cryme Tyme and Eve talk J into spray painting T. Lo’s office. Long catches J outside of his office. As punishment, he puts him in a match against Kane.
* Kane d. Slam Master J by pinfall
- Kane wins with a Chokeslam.
* CM Punk and Mr. McMahon are backstage. Punk intimates that McMahon was behind the screwjob, but McMahon denies it all.
* Justin Roberts introduces Mr. McMahon. He mocks Oklahoma, where they currently are. He plugs the Decade of SmackDown special, which will air next week. He introduces a Superstar he personally signed to SmackDown, Drew McIntyre. McIntyre says there’s no one on SmackDown that can match his potential or aggression. R-Truth enters through the crowd, and the two brawl.
* Batista d. Unified WWE Tag Team Champion Big Show (with Chris Jericho) by disqualification
- Batista straps the Ankle Lock on Big Show, but Jericho interferes, causing a DQ. Batista then puts Jericho in the Ankle Lock.
* Long and McMahon are backstage in the office. McMahon asks why he conspired against Undertaker. As it turns out, J spray painted all over Vince’s picture.
* David Hart Smith (with Tyson Kidd and Natalya) d. JTG (with Shad and Eve) by pinfall
- Smith beats JTG with a Saito Suplex.
* Josh Matthews is backstage with Batista. Batista announces he’ll be challenging JeriShow for the Unified Tag Titles at Hell in a Cell. His partner will be Rey Mysterio.
* World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk d. Undertaker by countout in a non-title match
- Punk and Taker brawl on the outside. Taker moves to Last Ride Punk through the announce table, but Punk escapes and scurries back into the ring, beating the count.
My thought:
Opening
- No SmackDown song? Oh well. Not that great anyway.
- EVERYONE hates Punk. They’ve done a great job.
- I really want Punk’s shirt. No one got it for me on my bday. :(
- The Charismatic Enabler as a nickname cracks me up.
- He did that. He totally did.
- Did he do it all for the nookie?
- McMahon?
- Uh oh. Druids.
- This takes too long.
- Bondage. Hawt.
- Teddy’s a pushover.
- Punk is selling the exasperation really well.
Morrison/Finlay v Knox/Ziggler
- Still shoving Finlay down our throats, I see.
- Mike Knox, too. Just terrific.
- Ziggler and Knox are absolutely the odd couple.
- I wonder if Morrison is an interim IC champ. I would have to assume Ziggler was going to beat Rey eventually.
- Heels in control after the commercial break alert!
- Meh, I don’t want to see Knox or Finlay at all. Gimme some Morrison-Ziggler action.
- Just keep wearing Finlay down. Riveting, really.
- Standing shooting star. Never quite hits properly.
- That wasn’t predictable at all.
- How many times is Knox gonna take that shillelagh?
Peer pressure
- EVE!
- Ah, good old fashioned peer pressure.
- Eve as the voice of reason. Sexy.
- Theft, too?
- Oh, product placement. That’s fun.
- Heh, “po po.”
- T. Lo is not a convincing heel. Like, at all.
Kane v J
- J’s kinda screwed.
- Welcome to jobber land!
- Kane’s supposedly heel, but the crowd loves him.
- Mercifully short. Not much to say, really.
Punk and McMahon
- Vinny Mac!
- where are they going with this? Who’s responsible?
McMahon, McIntyre, Truth
- Ooo. An in-ring appearance from the chairman.
- Ah, tweener McMahon. I like it.
- HEY! Leave JR alone!
- Stone Cold! Yay!
- Rock! Boo!
- Wow. They’re REALLY pushing McIntyre out of the gate. They must be super high on this guy.
- Nice generic music, McIntyre. What, no bagpipes?
- Crowd chanting “U-S-A” at a foreigner. Natch.
- R-Truth finally not getting punked out. Took awhile.
Batista v Big Show
- This matchup had boring written all over it.
- Powerhouse vs powerhouse never really does it for me.
- Both move just oh so slow. Can’t stand it.
- Love the massive chops, though.
- Heel it up, Jericho. He’s like an evil ringmaster.
- This is getting some time.
- Heel in control after the commercial break alert!
- ANKLE LOCK?
- Tell me Batista isn’t getting this move. Dammit.
- I don’t believe it. Ruining a perfectly good move.
Long and McMahon
- When will Long learn? Put Vince’s picture up.
- Vince. Zero to asshole in no time at all. So entertaining.
JTG v Smith
- EVE!
- Keeping her on as the valet, I see. I approve.
- This shouldn’t be too bad.
- Brawlin’ on the outside!
- This should have gotten more time.
- Where did Tyson come from?
- Damn! Nice suplex from Smith.
Batista/Mysterio
- Batista and Rey Rey together again.
- So Rey gets a title shot right out the gate?
Punk v Taker
- Punk’s jobbing out at Hell in a Cell. I just know it.
- Taker entrance. A guaranteed 5 minute break.
- Punk will just get his ass kicked over and over. Can’t take him seriously at this point.
- Heel in control after the commercial break alert!
- I can’t believe Punk’s getting any offense in.
- Just keep tossing him to the outside. That doesn’t get old.
- No Superplex for you.
- SUPAHPLEX!
- Last Ride through the table?
- Nope.
- Wait, Punk won? Sort of?
- Just means Punk’s chances of winning are, like, ZERO. Too bad.
Kinda boring, actually. McMahon was ALL OVER this episode. Not sure if that was good or not. 6.25/10
Today’s Daily Diva: Melina
:D
Daily Trivia
Yesterday’s answer was Maria.
Who did Stone Cold lose to in his last official match (WrestleMania 19)?
Tyson and DH eyeing the same guy nervously. Wonder why.
via wrestlezone.com
Game Libs: WWE Superstars Ted DiBiase, JTG, and Shad
Most people play video games for the pushing-buttons aspect. We don’t blame them — if we weren’t game writers, we’d probably be elevator men. Or world-destruction button monitors. Though, we’ll admit, we’d probably fail that job pretty quickly. Admit it — that button is just dying to be pushed!
Now those who aren’t turned on by the soothing sensation of a depressed piece of plastic (seriously — these people need to be fixed!) will probably cite the game’s story as their reason for playing. ZzzzzZZZzzzz! Boring. We listen to and watch people talk every day and it’s not nearly as fun as some hardcore push-push action.
But even us button-pressers can admit gaming cut scenes can be pretty darn entertaining, especially when they’re filled with terrible dialogue and Resident Evil-quality voice-over. So we thought it’d be funny to take classic scenes from both video games and gaming movies and turn them into mad libs. And then have unassuming folks make and recite their newly-made masterpieces back to us. Thus Game Libs is born.
In our first edition of Game Libs, we took Jean-Claude Van Damme’s rousing speech from the 1994 classic Street Fighter and created a mad lib for it. In case you’re unaware, here’s the scene for you to enjoy (hopefully while donning an American flag draped around your chest Rocky 4-style):
Admit it, you cried, ya big baby. It’s cool — the first time we watched that, we chanted U-S-A for twenty minutes straight. Got us kicked out the theater, but it was worth it. At least we love our country, asshole movie ushers!
We also love this speech, so we asked three WWE wrestlers to give their own take on it. Here’s the original monologue word-for-word:
Troopers — I have just received new orders. Our superiors say, the war is canceled. We can all go home. Bison is getting paid off for his crimes. And our friends will have died here. Will have died..for nothing. But, we can all go home. Meanwhile, ideals like peace, freedom, and justice — they get packed up. But, we can all go home. Well, I’m not going home. I’m gonna get on my boat, and I’m going up river, and I’m going to kick that son of a bitch’s Bison’s ass so hard, that the next Bison wannabe is going to feel it. Now who wants to go home? And who wants to go with me?
And here’s the template the wrestlers received:
[Noun (Plural)] — I have just [Verb ending in “ed”] new orders. Our superiors say, the war is [Verb ending in “ed”]. We can all go [Place] Bison is getting [Verb] for his crimes. And our [Noun (Plural)] will have [Verb ending in “ed”] here. Will have [Verb ending in “ed”] ..for nothing. But, we can all go [Place] Meanwhile, ideals like [Noun], [Noun], and [Noun] — they get [Verb ending in “ed”] up. But, we can all go [Place]. Well, I’m not going [Place]. I’m gonna get on my [Vehicle], and I’m going up [Type of Terrain], and I’m going to [Verb, action] that son of a bitch’s Bison’s ass so [Adjective], that the next Bison [Adjective] is going to [Verb] it. Now who wants to go [Place]? And who wants to go with [Person]?
Go to the site to hear the audio mad libs!
Today’s Diva Photoset: Courtney - Taylor Made
Savannah replaced her, and she still gets sets. Whatever.
Today’s Daily Diva: Rosa Mendes
What’s on Tap for WWE Tonight
Friday Night SmackDown 8PM EST myNetworkTV
Announced for tonight:
* Unified WWE Tag Team Champion Big Show vs Batista
Weekly Superstars Review: September 24, 2009
My hand smell weird to you?
Results:
* Primo d. Chris Masters by pinfall
- Primo reverses a Masterlock into a rollup for the win.
* Goldust d. William Regal (with Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov) by disqualification
- Regal is DQ’d when Jackson hits Goldust.
- After the match, Regal and his cronies beat down Goldust. Christian, Tommy Dreamer, and Yoshi Tatsu come down to make the save.
* Batista video promo
* Women’s Champion Michelle McCool and Layla d. Maria and Melina by pinfall
- Layla pins Maria after Michelle nails her with a big boot.
* Ask the Divas featuring Layla, Natalya, The Bella Twins, Michelle McCool, Maria, Kelly Kelly, Jillian, Gail Kim, and Rosa Mendes
* SmackDown Rebound: Don’t Fuck with the Deadman
* Matt Hardy d. Kane by disqualification
- Kane is DQ’d for racking Matt up on the top rope.
- After the match, Kane gives Matt a Chokeslam.
My thoughts:
Masters v Primo
- Ah, Lilian. How I’ll miss you.
- Primo has pyro looking things? Seriously?
- His song really needs to calm down.
- Unnecessarily flashy entrance alert!
- Superstars is Masters’ show. He’s always on it.
- Primo’s one fast dude. I’ll give him that.
- Masters has one intense clothesline.
- Legdrop to the gut. That’s a new one.
- Primo’s getting his ass kicked. Bet he wins.
- Calling for the Masterlock. He’s doomed.
- Nice missile dropkick from Primo. Masters sold well for a change.
- See? Of course Primo won.
- Nice rattail, Primo. Geesh.
Regal v Goldust
- I’ll never understand why Goldust is so popular. I’m astounded.
- Regal’s stable bores the crap out of me. Jackson and Kozlov have zero charisma between them. Regal was better off by himself.
- How does Goldust launder that latex bodysuit? Can it go in the wash like a normal shirt?
- I’m so bored I’m talking about laundry. Holy fuck.
- Oh, SO stupid.
- What a waste of time.
- This doesn’t get repetitive. Not at all.
- OH! Now this is different.
- Stable warfare. Sure, why not.
Batista
- He’s here, and he’s going to ruin SmackDown. Terrific.
McCool/Layla v Maria/Melina
- Alright! A Divas match! I’m satisfied.
- Michelle’s actually a good heel. Her character is beyond unlikable.
- Michelle comes off like she hates the fans. I like it.
- I wonder where they’re going with the Dolph/Maria/Melina storyline. Maria heel? Melina heel? Dolph face? Who knows? I don’t even think WWE does at this point.
- Not many people around have a prettier smile than Melina.
- Oh, I see. Tag partners not on the same page. This is new…
- Hurricanrana facebuster. Never seen that before.
- Splitting legdrop from Maria. Like my girls flexible.
- ARE YOU SERIOUS? Layla cracks me up.
- Poor Maria. Receiving a beatdown. Won’t help things between her and Melina.
- WHAT A BIG BOOT! Maria’s done, son.
- Oh yeah. That was nasty, y’all.
- Sell it, Maria.
Ask the Divas
- So knowledgeable. I feel like they get the same questions every week.
Hardy v Kane
- Oh, Matt. No Jeff pop for you.
- Is it just me or is JR’s voice fucking deep all of a sudden? That was weird.
- Nope, just my TV. That was weird.
- Kane got rid of Khali at least for a little while. Much respect.
- I want to see a Matt and Punk feud. Push Matt to the top. Why not? He’s got his supporters.
- Trading momentum after the commercial break alert!
- BIG. BOOT.
- Kane has an A Game?
- Rest holds followed by more rest holds. Exciting stuff.
- Ugly looking top rope bulldog.
- Ouch. Racked up on the top rope.
- You can get DQ’d for that now? What the fuck?
2 DQ finishes in one hour? Seriously guys? Sigh. Divas match was nice, though. 6/10
